Is Blood Thicker Than Water, not in this case
I was talking to another alienated child who is now an adult and her story was horrific. She went through the battle of alienation as a child. Her mother turned her against her father at an early age. She like I lived in constant fear but now like so many others deals with this as an adult with her own children. It seems to be a constant cycle of abuse that lasts a lifetime. Children learn what they see and for some of us we get caught up in making our own bad decisions. These circumstances turn into bad choices for mates in our futures.
This woman who reached out for help left an abusive relationship. Her worst fear came to light when the family that once hated her ex for years of abuse turned their back on her. She left and they all seemed happy about the break- up. It was a fresh start and a chance to gain back a life that was desolate and left with despair. The problem is like so many of us without our children, that her family went and fell trap to the alienator lies and fantasy world of “change”. The parent in question helps the ex and suggests ideas to the children about the present relationship they are in. They impose their own past relationship of alienation and abuse with the grandchild. They bring fear into the child and leave them more confused and withdrawn. The turmoil this brings to a child is horrible. You would think as an adult they would know better but selfishness gets in the way.
I felt horrible for this woman that her own family who have lived through this and our educated in this have switched to the dark side. I asked her if her parent was living through them not to lose contact from their grandchild. Maybe this is the case maybe not.
So what do we do when we are a fit parent and the odds are stacked against us? Do we grin and bear it? No because at some point in time the truth becomes real. People expose themselves in these matters and the narcissistic behavior becomes apparent. Keep doing what makes you feel that you can get through the day. We know the truth no one else has had to live with the alienator but us. If your family member gets in the way of your relationship with your children know that they will surely hang themselves. A child does not develop the “independent thinker” theory on their own. It is a strategy that is forced on them without knowledge. Alienators come across to the world as a victim, one who will act out a role in a movie. An alienator thinks with selfishness and uses their own thoughts and imposes them to the child. Who will break the cycle; in this case the grandparent’s keep the alienation in the family.
I’ve been a-wall for a while in this arena (PAS)or family rights, or so it might appear. What I’ve actually been doing is researching PAS on a much deeper level involving the dynamics that cause it. I think in order for others to grasp it, the journey must begin by looking within. Seeing and accepting where we came from with a clear mind. Target parents are people pleasers – gluttons for punishment – and not assertive. It may appear they are assertive when they are in the prosecutor role of the victim but that’s not where they need to be in order to “get it” Bottom line is – understanding trauma bonding, repetition compulsion, defense mechanisms and addiction to them, as well as a host of other MUCH DEEPER issues concerning personalities and abuse. I am writing a book on this very topic. Once one does his/her homework- his/her on “family work’ and healing it will be then that their role in being an alienated parent will become clear! With that new understanding hopefully they will have learned how to stop being people pleasers- or persecutors and stop allowing others to walk all over them in a healthy way not a persecutor way, and start taking accountability for what happens in the world around them. Trauma bonding aka Stockholm syndrome aka PAS aka enmeshed relationships aka Betrayal bonding aka whatever you call a victim that protects their abuser is MUCH thicker than blood!
Believe me Louise, TPs are NOT all non-assertive, people pleasers. Sometimes it is just the AP is a lot sneakier, nastier ( and yes narcissic), all round evil, with an agenda type of person who will stop at NOTHING. To generalise that the TPs are walkovers in life is very insulting – TP’s invariably find themselves mentally and physically exhausted from the effort of keeping sane and on top of things, and keeping (so far) non alienated children healthy in mind and body.
Now, that’s out of the way – Chrissy, I found your blog via Facebook. Started to read and wasn’t sure which one to add my comments to, but then read this one and thought ‘this is it’!
I don’t know where to start, but it probably doesn’t matter as you’ll have more than an inkling, anyhow.
So to cut a long story short, my ex husband is a master at PA. Well known and thought of in the community, and church etc. So it’s ME that’s the nutcase of course, my word against his etc etc. I’m sure you know how this goes. He has also turned my WHOLE family against me. Like in the article they went from being happy I’d made the break from an abusive marriage, and wouldn’t have him within a country mile, to welcoming him into their homes, lives again etc as a result of some very smart manipulations ( I found out later). I am out in the cold. They aren’t interested in hearing anything I have to say and I discovered recently that any contact I attempt with my mother, is reported to my ex husband. Family events include the children and my ex, I am not included AT ALL.
So I feel that I’ve lost almost everything, not to mention that I’m looked upon as the deficient and bad parent by all parties. My daughter is lost to me, we had a family court-imposed session of family counselling and I couldn’t believe ( well yes I could) the rubbish coming out of her mouth. She is purely a mouthpiece for her father.
I would be really interested to read more on the ‘losing-family’ aspect of PA. There has been a recent family event which I was again not involved in, and I am trying hard not to let it do my head in, I just want to be able to understand it, or know that it happens to other TPs – ANYTHING!