Punished Silence
In the most recent months I have had some disturbing emails and friends concerned with what is going on in my life. I have made it a goal not to share the most recent events in my life and my silence has been hiding many factors surrounding my family. I have always shared about my life and have put my mother up on a pedestal leaving out many details. How does a child reach a point of bonding when there was only a fantasy of a true bond? There will be more to come about this story this week.
My readers know about my alienation with my step dad and how he did taint my relationship with my mother, Patty Woodall DiFebbo Larsen. The latest events are all on her own and the only person accountable would be her. My mother signed me off to be married at the age of 16. She states she thought I would just run off and get married anyway so she signed the papers allowing a 16 yr old to marry. (I have a 16 yr old son as well and would never attempt to do this and have realized how immature a child is at this age.) During this time in my life I married Daniel Chrzanowski Jr,a man whose own mother asked me not to marry her son because of his behavior and how he treated me. I spent 18 yrs filled with all forms of abuse from my ex. They range from rape, beatings, and emotional abuse. I stayed after he cheated on me and had a child through his two year affair. I left last year and have been watching behind the scenes as the lies get spread like a disease to my children from my own family as well as my ex.
My relationship with my mom has been rocky off and on for years but the latest acts are inexcusable from someone who says they are a Christian. My mother has hated my ex for some time and was pleased when I finally left. She was present for a phone call from my daughter where my ex pulled the same stunt my dad used on me years ago. He cried as my daughter held him quoting my father saying she left us etc. I fainted and took it hard and my mom seemed real in comforting me and even had ideas for me to take my kids away from this situation. She loved my new boyfriend and thanked him on a number of occasions and even called him her new son.
My ex who ran in his room when ever my parents came to visit was now having conversations with my mom and dad on how to make us work and get me to return home. My mom went from disliking him and his actions to believing he was a changed man after 18 yrs of torture in my life. I still wonder why and what mother would want her daughter to return to an abuser. In the beginning she was taking my children to church and giving me updates on them. This past Christmas my son asked me to return for Christmas and have a family Christmas. I took my daughter and did so and was stupid not fully knowing what I was walking into. I called the ex and said I would not be returning to him but for the kids for Christmas. On Christmas Eve the ex got on his knee and gave me a new ring the kind I always wanted from him. He would not tell me where he obtained this ring. He also told my mother that I was returning to him when I told him to call her. She was shocked when I called her and told her I stated I was there for the children. She was keeping in close contact with the ex and reporting activities to others and my ex. My mother also made a statement saying if he abuses her again we will be there for her. Um hello why would you even want me to return?
Christmas was over and I returned with my daughter and Lary to MI where me and my mom where having less contact. In Feb she wrote a letter to me asking forgiveness for her actions as I was hearing from others she was talking to about how my mother was talking behind my back and making statements like I think my daughter is Bi Polar or many other false statements. I did not respond to her forgiveness email right away and there was hell to pay for it. I was now told I always hurt her and she then put me in the same category as my dad which is a far reality from what I am. She had my friend go to the house where my ex is to pick up food from my mother and the ex and my mom talked about me and my life in a negative view. My mother even went over to my BF’s husband sitting in the car and said “Your wife will leave soon she is comforting Danny don’t be mad at her.” Now whose mother does all this to her own daughter as she claims to love me and be there when ever I need her? I called my mother about this and it was nothing short of our normal crap. She wanted communication but only on her terms. She lied and said it didn’t happen and made a number of excuses. Finally at the end of the call she said so what if I did talk to him, so what. She lied about some statements made and clamed I always had to be the victim. She said I was mean and bitter and a number of other insulting words so her lies wouldn’t be exposed. When she is on the spot it is always my fault and then she hides behind her Christianity and always acting naive when she knows what she is doing. I was told I should thank her for taking my kids and having her help them. To me if you’re helping me you share the truth and not expose the grandkids to lies about their mother.
Last June my daughter went to visit with her dad and we all agreed she would return on August 1, 2009. The weeks leading up to this date were interesting and also really exposed me to who my mom is. It was a sad day when I received a phone call from my daughter telling me that in 3 yrs I was going to be beat by my new boyfriend. I was shocked and confused. Then it comes out that she had breakfast with my mom at the local Denny’s. There were other statements made and about her past with my dad and tying them into my new relationship.
Now I will get into more detail in another blog but wanted to share my latest eye opening experience. I went to New Jersey a couple of weeks ago the reasoning I will share later and found out some things that I thought was almost surreal. That wedding ring my ex gave me a Christmas came from my mom. She bought it and gave it to my ex to give to me. She also told my daughter I was never beat but disciplined. She also made statements like your mother wants everyone to feel sympathy for her and her mouth just kept going to a 13 year old child. She wouldn’t talk to me at all but when I returned to NJ she was talking and telling me this is great you invested many years with him. My favorite was someday I will be teaching Marriage Counseling because of all I’ve been through and will make it work. So I leave you with this thought how can a mother use her grandchildren against their mother. Why would a mother conspire with her daughter’s abuser and why would she want me to return to a man who has stuck a knife to her throat, brutally raped her many occasions, controlled her an broke her to feel like she was nothing. What mother claims to love like Corinthians 13 and then throw her daughter under the bus too many people so she looks like the good one? I have given my mother my love and always will love her but I will not be silenced anymore about the truth and what reality is. I have walked away from my abuser and have been punished for doing so. My new boyfriend treats me like a queen and loves my son and daughter. In my mind I can’t understand why any mother who claims to love her child would now treat the abuser as her son and treat her daughter like the abuser. Why would my mother want me returning to a home where felons are there and my children being there as well?
Both of my parents used PAS starting with their separation and subsequent divorce. The PAS continues to this day. my mother has BPD and my father has NPD. They went through a horrible divorce which lasted over a decade, cost over tens of thousands of dollars EACH, and tragically used my brother and me as pawns. When I discovered the body of work surrounding PAS, my socks were knocked off. PAS is emotional abuse– and although I didn’t have a ‘name’ for it, I still knew I was being put under abusive situations and being used by one parent against the other. Strangely, each of my parents will accuse the other of emotional and mental abuse of my brother and me, BUT neither parent will acknowledge their own abusive doings. My mother says that one’s childhood should be left in the past, as that’s what it is, and that one’s childhood has no bearing on who you are as an adult or what you make of yourself. My Dad won’t talk about the past, and he says he chooses not to remember. With both parents, they abused my brother and me, but neither to this day will recognize the immense abuse consisting of verbal assaults, isolation, corruption, rejection, terrorizing, being ignored, and over-pressuring in order to hurt the other parent. If you would like to read more about my experience with PAS, feel free to visit my blog at: http://thequeenandking.blogspot.com/2009/07/adult-children-of-parental-alienation.html
Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are so brave– and I commend you for getting your information out there to educate and inspire. Keep it up. Hugs and support to you~ Gretel Ella
I’m sorry Chrissy. It occurs to me that maybe your mother is in a controlling and abusive relationship. Other than that, I guess she never healed from the abuse and control that happened with the alienation not to mention the mental effects. I’ve seen what friends have gone through trying to deal with their mothers mental deficits and it’s got to be hard and very sad to have to let them go. Only she can change. Your support for us has meant so much and I hope we can help you. I’m praying for you, your kids and Lary. You will be the one to break this vicious cycle in your family with or without the families help. Prayers and hugs.
Im sorry Chrissy…I don’t understand people either. My ex has been telling the girls lies for years and they are so scared to communicate with me. You obviously went through hell girl…god bless you and your kids. Damn any mother who uses their children this way Arghhhhh!!!. F*%#k I miss the girls everyday
Bob
Wow! I am so sorry you are going through this. Can I relate? OMG! I thought I was the only one whose family turned on them. All I can say to you is be very careful; my mother finally went to court against me for custody of my son. My abusive ex husband and she suddenly became best of buddies. End the end, I lost custody of my son. After all, whose “mother” would dare say such awful things about their daughter unless they were true? Right? Wrong! Very wrong! I didn’t think I would get through that time. My son is now 15 and miserable at his dad’s. I was not determined to be an unfit mother although my mother made me out to be. But it was determined the abusive father’s home was better suited for our son. He was seven at the time. It’s a long story that I do not have time to share the full details right now. I will at a later date when time better permits me. My heart and prayers are with you. And just know that you are not alone.
I need to clarify what I said. My mother went to court with my ex husband to help him gain custody of our son.
Shame on you Chrissy! Anyone who reads this blog deserves to know the truth. I have kept my silence about you long enough. This is exactly why you are no longer in any part of my life. It is one thing to share your pain and experiences with others but to lie about them is unacceptable.
Are you that jealous of your mothers love for your brothers that you would purposely put her full name in your blog and search terms in hopes that if and when her sons go looking for their mother, they will find your blog?
This blog makes me sick!
You left your children with your current husband! It does not matter why you wanted to end your marriage or that you left so “YOU” can be happy! What matters is that you are not alienated from your children. You left them! Why wouldn’t your children be upset? They lost their mother in their eyes and if you and Lary moved to them your children would be happy because they have their mother.
Quit trying to garner sympathy from others by constantly playing the role of the victim. You and I both know your mother would never alienate you from your children nor would she pit your husband against you. This is your guilty assumtpions at work again.
If things don’t go your way you go for the jugular. Others have never had the
real opportunity to see how you can change with the wind as I have. You alienated yourself from your mother,me, your children and whoever else all the while garnering the sympathy of the unknowing with your false representations of the truth.
I know you will not allow this comment to go through as you refuse to allow anyone to hear or know any other story but yours. You bashing your mother has not gone unoticed. Get some help Chrissy. Your mother loves you and has suffered enough. Yes you have gone through alot in your life, but who hasn’t? There is no reason to constantly place blame on others for every wrong in your life. There is also a slew of other things you personally shared with me that differ from your recent statements. So which one is true?
Everyone makes mistakes and things happen that are out of their control, but for the love of God at some point you have to accept responsibility for your own actions and mistakes. If you were truly for putting an end to parental alienation then you should start right here. A real alienated parent does not post lies and or half truths as you have about your mother and other issues in the past, The truth is too important to us targeted parent’s.This is exactly what happens with an alienator and look at the comments posted. They don’t even know your mother or the truth, yet they assume what you are saying is true! PA at it’s best! As always you got the sympathy that your looking for.You haven’t been honest Chrissy and you know this. So which is it? Are you an alienator or alienated? You can’t have it both ways. You have been contradictive in the past compared to what you say here. You alienate yourself! I have experienced it first hand.
Your mother is not conspiring against you as you appear to hope for. You can’t play this role forever. You should take this down and make it right with your mother. Your mother is alienated from her sons and has been for almost 20 years how unfair of you to accuse your mother of something that she of all people has been so greatly affected by. The people commenting also should remember
nothing is as it seems when your dealing with parental alienation and just because someone says they’re being alienated doesn’t mean they are. If anything this goes to show how messed up alienated children really can get.
Love your mother chrissy, you only have one!
Did you really think your children weren’t going to have any issues when you abandoned them and their father to run off to Michigan with some guy you hooked up with at a family preservation rally?
Are you ever going to accept any responsibility for the stupid choices you continue making? Your mother loves you and you know as well as I do that this blog is an exercise in deception.
Get some help – you need it.
Poor pityful, lying Chrissy……see if you can get them to drink the koolaid too.
Chrissy is a strong and dedicated warrior for change, and the biggest change that she is making in her life is breaking the cycle of abuse. I have sat back and watched for months at the mind games alienators, abusers, and collaborators play in trying to get what they want rather than what is right. What type of parent tells their children that Christmas and birthdays depend on their mom coming back, what parent tells their children that “if you don’t go back to your mom she won’t be able to live without you” in an effort to force their mother to compromise morals/values to be with her children. One thing is for sure, they try to do it so that only the children are witnesses and now it is much harder for them to hide behind their pretty pictures. Chrissy has my full support and the support of so many others. Congratulations Chrissy on breaking the cycle of generations in your family.
My Reply to you and your clan of two is this…
First of all I have always had my daughter and have since the beginning except the two times she went for visitation with her dad and he did not return her. Instead sitting her down and emotionally abusing her, making her be the focus of his obsession with me. So you are again, incorrect. I excluded you from my life for these very reasons and you have no idea about what occurs in it day to day.
I truly feel bad for you that you have to involve yourself in something when you should be diligently trying to obtain a relationship with your own children that you abandoned in the state of California, or rather how you put it.. he took them from you. You have no facts and waste your time stalking me.
I don’t bother with people like you and let you do your own thing in peace. I don’t judge you and wouldn’t even think to involve myself in the many rumors that permeate from you and your limited clan. You have appeared to look innocent while back biting and gossiping about many, not just me. If you save the time on gossip maybe you would get further with your own kids or achieve something worthwhile for the betterment of all in the parental alienation community. Instead, you participate in alienating behaviors yourself.
I hear your very behind, but the three of you sit up all night chatting on the Internet and posting one after another on my blog. How silly of you. I have nothing to hide and the readers can see for themselves what you have sadly written.
A couple of gang-like groupies posting back to back like you have only expose yourselves, while I move forward an agenda of awareness and continue to properly parent my daughter, while my abuser has allowed for my son to be charged with crimes and other horrible outcomes.
In July I wasn’t even with the abuser but away from the house and with my kids. I don’t have to defend my actions to you or your groupies who do little for the movement but cause problems for other activists.
As far as my mother goes you have no idea what happens between me and her except one sided stories, you don’t live near her or know her except through phone calls. I will always love her as mother but her actions and intentions with my abuser are not lovable actions. I wouldn’t judge others when you just want to attack others blindly without facts and knowledge.
These are the reasons that I have made the choice to exclude some of those people from my life, including you, so I may continue on without being put into harms way, and instead work for a better future. My daughter is prospering, I am prospering, and our futures continue on. Your inner resentments for my not wanting to be associated with your clan should end with this message. While you play your childish games amongst a very small number of people, I will continue to help others… including your chidren and their children. I just don’t have time for you and those like you. Move on and try to help your family rather than hurt mine.
I have been comforted by reading this story, because my story is the very similar. Only the details are different. To know that I am not the only one whose own family has turned against, betrayed and manipulated has had a healing effect on me.
I will give a brief summary of what happened to me, as I don’t want to take up so much space here. You know how hard it is to give a quick summary of a story like this. I think it is near impossible, because PA has so many intricacies and the road is long and winding to get to an understanding.
My 17 year old son has been gone out of my care and parental influence for a little over a year. I raised him by myself. His real dad showed little interest, and they did not form a relationship on an authentic or deep level. We have been divorced for almost 13 years and have always had an amicable relationship. He never showed any animosity, and I never denied him access to Malcolm the few times a year he requested it.
My mother and I had a close relationship, I thought, after years of roller coaster rides, disagreements and blow ups typical of some mother daughter relationships. She did not approve of my second husband at all, because he was Panamanian. She is racist. She acted as if she accepted it after we had our first child together. We also made a point of always letting me know where I screwed up in my life and reminding me that when I turned 13, I turned into a terrible child unlike the sweet one before that age.
A hurricane hit our area and Malcolm’s school was shut down for an indefinite amount of time. We were also without electricity, and they speculated it would take weeks to get it back. We packed up and went to visit my parent’s home as my mom suggested.
Malcolm and I had a good relationship. It was strained sometimes, because he was 16 years old and didn’t want to do his chores and hated that he could not talk on the phone past 9 pm, etc. It was suggested by my sister in law, who is very tight with my mother, that Malcolm should enroll in school where they live so he wouldn’t fall behind academically. He could go to school with her step son, his cousin, who also was 16 years old. He would also stay at their house since my parents were not really able to have him due to their advanced years.
I thought it would be a great idea. I had to leave after a week, because I had to go back to work. It was agreed and known that he would return upon his school reopening. I spoke with him after I left, and he was disrespectful and rude with no apparent remorse or fear. His school had reopened, and I called to make arrangements to have him come home. My sister in law told me that if he left now, he would be unable to play football because an UIL rule prohibited him from switching schools twice. I took what she said as true and knew football season would be ending soon, so I let him stay until after football season ended. I found out later, there is no such rule.
After football season ended, I talked to him about coming home and he retorted with, “why so I can work for you?” Where in the world did that come from? That was not him speaking. He said he would stay and I said, “Oh no you’re not.
I spoke with his father about the same time who informed me that he wanted custody of Malcolm and that Malcolm wanted him to have custody. A child at that age can request the main custodial parent he prefers, and the court gives great weight to it. Now this was a shock to me due to his history as a father figure. I asked, “So he would live you?” And he said no, he would remain where he was with my sister in law. Now, how can you ask for custody with no plans of actually having physical custody? That’s right so he could make it possible for Malcolm to stay out of my care with my sister in law.
Through his words, it became apparent that he and my parents and my sister in law had been talking. He also exhibited a new attitude and tone with me appearing angry. He accused me of treating Malcolm like Cinderella. That sounds familiar.
The realization at this point of the betrayal taking place threw me into a tail spin. I had no idea the actual feelings my parents had about me as a parent. They accused me of neglect, etc. I did not see this coming. I don’t trust people for the most part, but my defenses were down when it came to my family. I should have never left him there.
At this point, when everything came out, all past events made sense. All the little comments and lack of correcting Malcolm for being disrespectful to me, or not taking my rules seriously, etc.
When I spoke with my mom, she said, “It was a long time coming.” I was dumbfounded.
Then she wrote me this letter that showed her true colors and bitterness she had towards me which brewed all these years. It also showed a lot of false assumptions she arrived at about what goes on in our home. She never investigated or spoke up to me about her concerns or worry.
She now had a relationship with my ex and acted like he was a saint and never did any wrong. I was the one who did wrong all these years as I raised my son and did my best. I did a pretty good job.
I spent some time in a frozen state without attempting to reach out to Malcolm any longer. It was too painful. Of course, they used this against me in court.
I then gained a resurgence of determination and a drive to remove him from such a destructive environment that would promote and accept the splitting of a family and of the bond between mother and child. I learned about PA and the horrible effects it has on the child.
A lot of people told me that it can’t happen to a 16 year old. They don’t understand the dynamics of it. His father was finally paying attention to him and no longer rejecting him. At the same time, Malcolm was rejecting me. Also, the PA was the subtle type, inch by inch over the years they gained ground. They deny this of course, and I think they might not really believe they have not engaged in PA behavior. They are in denial. They feel justified and rationalize that they did something good.
The hardest part is when his 4 half brothers and sisters ask for him. They are so young, all 6 and under. They had a close relationship. Of course they annoyed Malcolm a lot, but he loved them and showed that love and they loved him. They still do, and even after a year they talk about him and remember the funny songs he used to sing and the funny stuff he did. It pains me that Malcolm will not have that bond with them and will regret this one day. I don’t want him to go through that.
I received the petition for modification soon, and my hands were tied as far as going to get him. I represented myself in court and lost.
My mom’s letter said that it was all Malcolm’s decision to stay, and she did not influence him either way. Are you kidding? By not influencing him and telling him he must and should return to his family, his 4 siblings and mother was an announcement that my significance as a parent was null and void and the importance of family unity did not exist. She said, “The choice was his, and once he realized he had a choice, there was no turning back” Who gave him that choice? That is a choice only a parent can give and at the time, I was the main custodial parent. I was never consulted about this choice they so blatantly and without a second thought gave, as if they had all the authority in the world to do so and I had none. They took away my ability to parent and my importance as a parent.
Malcolm also began to say mean things to me that were out of character. My mom said in her letter that he did not want to see me and that should tell me something. Yes, it told me some PA was going on, and I did not know what to do. I still don’t.
The new visitation guidelines were put into a court order, and I thought at least now, there are some definite times I can have access to him. I also thought he might be more at ease coming now that he knows I can’t keep him here when he does come.
I have access to him this Thanksgiving and told him we were all excited to have him here and let him know when I would be able to get him. He responded that he already had plans and was spending time with his father.
This was yesterday and my first instinct was to get on the phone and retaliate and show my anger to my ex and parents, letting them know how wrong they were not to encourage him to come like I politely asked. Then I paused to be still for a minute asking God for the wisdom needed to respond in the best way.
Most around me say to let it go. They say Malcolm has made up his mind and there is nothing I can do. I feel the need to fight back and think I will send a certified letter notifying his father and my sister in law of my intent to exercise my possessory right of visitation as outlined in the court order and that everyone needs to comply.
I need to act by tomorrow though. He will be 18 in about 10 months, and after that there is nothing I can do except for continuing to reach out to him which is so hard for me when I am being rejected. People warn that I might alienate him further by pressing the issue and forcing him to come. At this point though, I feel there is nothing else to lose and just want him to be back with us for a minute to remind him of the good times. At this point, he can’t remember any and only remembers the typical difficult times most families have and his memory of that is exaggerated and tainted.
I can go on and on but I won’t. I am still trying to forgive, praying to forgive. That doesn’t mean I have to trust them again and put myself around people who hurt me. I can’t believe a mother would do this to her own daughter and is so blind to what it is she has done – so indignant. She told me to get over it in her letter. Get over it?
Thanks for listening.