Parental Alienation for a targeted parent is like a twister, you never see it coming and in a matter of minutes your whole world is turned upside down.  Parental Alienation does not happen in a minute but when a parent goes through the stages time stands still. Many parents are going through different stages of emotion. Some play the role where on the outside they plant a smile and look happy to get through the day while others fall into deep depression. I have been disturbed by the latest media articles about the recent deaths to parents and children due to court orders and child support.  As the decades go by this country has lost the ability to have solid family values which include both parents.

These types of situations are hard to deal with or even share with friends. You feel alone and are hitting brick walls trying to receive justice in the court room. The title of Parent has been legally stripped away from your life, oh but wait keep paying the child support. You might sit down and share with a friend and the story sounds more like a novel than a true life story, you watch as their facial expressions capture the shock and confusion. They just can’t relate and completely understand if you’re telling the truth then why don’t you have your children.  We all have our days and I have heard it said that Parental Alienation is like mourning the death of your child without them dying, there is no closure. I think it is best to review the stages of grief to relate the steps in your life. Children go through the same stages but at different times and not in any order.  Keep in mind this is for grieving a death but there are similar characteristics in the loss of your children, we will never “get over” the loss but we can do so in a healthy manner while you wait for them to return.

Here is the grief model called “The 7 Stages of Grief”:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs.

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn’t do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the loss on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion.

You may rail against fate, questioning “Why me?” You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair (“I will never drink again if you just bring him back”)

4. “DEPRESSION”, REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be “talked out of it” by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair.

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your “depression” begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward.

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