As an advocate of parental alienation I walk a fine line with gender issues between father’s rights and also mother’s rights. The real issue at hand is parental rights but people are so wrapped up in the who or what to blame they forget that people come from different walks of life and various circumstances.  How does one woman tell the story of her life to help true victims without it crossing the lines of offense? The story of truth sets some free while others use it as a line of defense for blame. I have wanted to share a story for years but have been silent, love me or hate me there is a story that walks outside of the boundaries the movement sets in stone. How do we become stronger without tying some of these issues together? Many women and men make up lies to win a battle but what happens to the individual that falls in the cracks and has a truthful story of abuse.

In 1991 at the age of 16 I married a young 18 yr old man. In my own mind I believed this would be forever and a life that I dreamed of with happiness. My years prior were filled with abuse and I fell captive to the illusion of love that my husband professed. The silent beginning that only few know about is that the abuse had already occurred prior to our wedding date. The incidents were forgiven quickly because at least he would tell me he was sorry or that he couldn’t live without me. Those words were more than my father would tell me so I believed the words streaming out of his mouth to my ears.

The first two years of our marriage I wore a blindfold to truth and allowed the punching bag sessions to continue. The emptiness I felt as a person was clear to others who knew me. In this time period he was also indulging himself with another woman that he never laid a hand on. I found out I was pregnant with my son and thought this would be a stepping stone for change. It was defiantly a stepping stone because his mistress was also pregnant.  I can remember wondering if I did everything he asked would it all change.

The years went on and the progression of abuse became a ritual in my everyday life. The fighting was constant and I left on several occasions to only return after the charm of change was lingering in my ears. His words became harsher and the restrictions were like a half way house. Cell phones were a convince many people delighted in but to me it was a constant communication of “Where are you, what are you doing?” 

My daughter was a new addition and I was often baffled when I was hit during my pregnancy. More time had passed and the physical abuse was less but another abuse was occurring to take its place. I would almost find myself wishing the physical and mental abuse was the only aspects I had to experience.  The pain of being raped by a person who tells you they love you is a confusing time. The battle of self confidence became a major contention in my mind. It broke me emotionally on several occasions and only after the act would I hear the apologizes then the excuse, you can’t rape a spouse.  I spent time trying to understand what was wrong with me.

I can recollect a time during a family graduation in the past three years where I went to the event and he decided to stay home. I was with his family members and because there was a lie band I did not hear my phone ring. He came all the way out there around midnight because he wanted me to be home to tend to him. He was angry because I didn’t answer my  cell phone and I paid for that one.  I walked on egg shells even with his own family events.

Our children were a negotiation tool for his selfish needs.  He rarely ever carried out the duties of a father unless he was in the mood. He would have more interest of looking me in the bedroom than having a catch with his son or baking with his daughter. I longed for participation with us as a family instead I believed an illusion of what I thought it should be.

This is only a small fragment of the 18 yrs of abuse that I survived. I fell for a life of self imposed illusions to live day to day.  My illusion fractured a healthy mind set to realize that he wouldn’t change I had to.  I allowed myself to believe this distorted fairytale for 18 years. His negative terminology generated raw emotion of pain and the lack of worth as a person. I have struggled to find who I am without him telling me who I should be.  I have been beaten down in many ways but have found the strength to stand back up and find myself.  Dan still continues to hold my son at ransom; he allows negative behavior to continue with complete disrespect to me. I’m told it’s between you and him, meanwhile my sons screaming at me in his father’s presence. He sits our daughter down for a five hour “chat” to tell her not to listen to me. He cries in front of her using guilt and saying how I left them all, my children are used as a ransom in his ploy to win them over after years of his neglect.

 Dan Chrzanowski  stole my dignity and years of my life but now I have taken my life back to leave a greater legacy to my children.  A legacy of what love should be

^{Corinthians 13}

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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 In the most recent months I have had some disturbing emails and friends concerned with what is going on in my life. I have made it a goal not to share the most recent events in my life and my silence has been hiding many factors surrounding my family. I have always shared about my life and have put my mother up on a pedestal leaving out many details. How does a child reach a point of bonding when there was only a fantasy of a true bond? There will be more to come about this story this week.

My readers know about my alienation with my step dad and how he did taint my relationship with my mother, Patty Woodall DiFebbo Larsen. The latest events are all on her own and the only person accountable would be her. My mother signed me off to be married at the age of 16. She states she thought I would just run off and get married anyway so she signed the papers allowing a 16 yr old to marry. (I have a 16 yr old son as well and would never attempt to do this and have realized how immature a child is at this age.)  During this time in my life I married Daniel Chrzanowski Jr,a  man whose own mother asked me not to marry her son because of his behavior and how he treated me. I spent 18 yrs filled with all forms of abuse from my ex. They range from rape, beatings, and emotional abuse. I stayed after he cheated on me and had a child through his two year affair. I left last year and have been watching behind the scenes as the lies get spread like a disease to my children from my own family as well as my ex.

My relationship with my mom has been rocky off and on for years but the latest acts are inexcusable from someone who says they are a Christian. My mother has hated my ex for some time and was pleased when I finally left. She was present for a phone call from my daughter where my ex pulled the same stunt my dad used on me years ago. He cried as my daughter held him quoting my father saying she left us etc. I fainted and took it hard and my mom seemed real in comforting me and even had ideas for me to take my kids away from this situation. She loved my new boyfriend and thanked him on a number of occasions and even called him her new son.

My ex who ran in his room when ever my parents came to visit was now having conversations with my mom and dad on how to make us work and get me to return home. My mom went from disliking him and his actions to believing he was a changed man after 18 yrs of torture in my life. I still wonder why and what mother would want her daughter to return to an abuser. In the beginning she was taking my children to church and giving me updates on them. This past Christmas my son asked me to return for Christmas and have a family Christmas. I took my daughter and did so and was stupid not fully knowing what I was walking into. I called the ex and said I would not be returning to him but for the kids for Christmas. On Christmas Eve the ex got on his knee and gave me a new ring the kind I always wanted from him. He would not tell me where he obtained this ring. He also told my mother that I was returning to him when I told him to call her. She was shocked when I called her and told her I stated I was there for the children. She was keeping in close contact with the ex and reporting activities to others and my ex. My mother also made a statement saying if he abuses her again we will be there for her. Um hello why would you even want me to return?

Christmas was over and I returned with my daughter and Lary to MI where me and my mom where having less contact. In Feb she wrote a letter to me asking forgiveness for her actions as I was hearing from others she was talking to about how my mother was talking behind my back and making statements like I think my daughter is Bi Polar or many other false statements. I did not respond to her forgiveness email right away and there was hell to pay for it. I was now told I always hurt her and she then put me in the same category as my dad which is a far reality from what I am. She had my friend go to the house where my ex is to pick up food from my mother and the ex and my mom talked about me and my life in a negative view. My mother even went over to my BF’s husband sitting in the car and said “Your wife will leave soon she is comforting Danny don’t be mad at her.”  Now whose mother does all this to her own daughter as she claims to love me and be there when ever I need her? I called my mother about this and it was nothing short of our normal crap. She wanted communication but only on her terms. She lied and said it didn’t happen and made a number of excuses. Finally at the end of the call she said so what if I did talk to him, so what. She lied about some statements made and clamed I always had to be the victim. She said I was mean and bitter and a number of other insulting words so her lies wouldn’t be exposed. When she is on the spot it is always my fault and then she hides behind her Christianity and always acting naive when she knows what she is doing.  I was told I should thank her for taking my kids and having her help them. To me if you’re helping me you share the truth and not expose the grandkids to lies about their mother.

Last June my daughter went to visit with her dad and we all agreed she would return on August 1, 2009. The weeks leading up to this date were interesting and also really exposed me to who my mom is. It was a sad day when I received a phone call from my daughter telling me that in 3 yrs I was going to be beat by my new boyfriend. I was shocked and confused. Then it comes out that she had breakfast with my mom at the local Denny’s. There were other statements made and about her past with my dad and tying them into my new relationship.

Now I will get into more detail in another blog but wanted to share my latest eye opening experience. I went to New Jersey a couple of weeks ago the reasoning I will share later and found out some things that I thought was almost surreal.  That wedding ring my ex gave me a Christmas came from my mom. She bought it and gave it to my ex to give to me. She also told my daughter I was never beat but disciplined. She also made statements like your mother wants everyone to feel sympathy for her and her mouth just kept going to a 13 year old child. She wouldn’t talk to me at all but when I returned to NJ she was talking and telling me this is great you invested many years with him. My favorite was someday I will be teaching Marriage Counseling because of all I’ve been through and will make it work. So I leave you with this thought how can a mother use her grandchildren against their mother.  Why would a mother conspire with her daughter’s abuser and why would she want me to return to a man who has stuck a knife to her throat, brutally raped her many occasions, controlled her an broke her to feel like she was nothing. What mother claims to love like Corinthians 13 and then throw her daughter under the bus too many people so she looks like the good one?  I have given my mother my love and always will love her but I will not be silenced anymore about the truth and what reality is. I have walked away from my abuser and have been punished for doing so. My new boyfriend treats me like a queen and loves my son and daughter. In my mind I can’t understand why any mother who claims to love her child would now treat the abuser as her son and treat her daughter like the abuser. Why would my mother want me returning to a home where felons are there and my children being there as well?

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