I had the chance to read this article and agree with some of the statements but not all. Yes, one must accept the fact that the ex daughter in law will not see her son in the same fashion. If the situation can be as easy as a lunch outing that is great. Most of the parents and grandparents do not have it so easy. The deadly words came out here “At one point, I told the mother that it wasn’t right that she not let the child see his father and the boy’s time with me ended – in fact – she called the police.”
Parents that behave this way only cooperate with others who have the same vision. The statement made that parents really believe this is in the best interest of the child also does not follow the severe guidelines of Parental Alienation. A great number of parents who participate in withholding a child from a fit parent pursue revenge. The child becomes the trophy in a battle of pain and anguish. The family unit is abandoned to a higher calling of one person’s action of self worth. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and in some cases siblings will be left holding their hands in the air asking why is this happening?
What is the opinion of the public on this?
Barbara Burrows, Special to The Windsor Star
Published: Thursday, May 14, 2009
Dear Barbara: I’ve been following the discussion on PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) and would like to tell you about my son’s child – who is forbidden access to his father by the mother – a women my son was never married to. I know of others with similar situations.
For awhile, I was on good terms with the mother who allowed the boy to come to spend two days/week with me and he had a good relationship with me and my daughter.
My son is a good person, gainfully employed, pays child support and has friends. It breaks our hearts that he can’t see his son.
At one point, I told the mother that it wasn’t right that she not let the child see his father and the boy’s time with me ended – in fact – she called the police.
My husband and I have sent e-mails, cards for special occasions etc. – but there is no response at all.
There are a whole group of children who are suffering because one parent has control and keeps the child from the other. Grandparents have no rights in Ontario.
I realize that this is not a black and white issue, but as desperate as the parents are, it is the children who need help.
Have you any suggestions?
Dear Grandmother: You must be feeling very helpless.
What comes to my mind is that there was a time that your grandson’s mother felt comfortable enough to let you spend time with him.
My thinking is that you may be able to rekindle that positive connection if you can figure out how you were able to establish it in the first place. My guess is that you somehow were able to put aside your hurt, critical feeling and likely anger towards the boy’s mother and maintain some neutral, low-key civility.
Mothers are usually intensely protective of their children and this is where situations can get out of hand. For some reason, they become extra sensitive and perceive that the father is a negative influence.
I suppose it is possible that parents intentionally withhold the children to punish the other, but my experience has been the withholding parent truly believes it is in the child’s best interest – in fact – that the child needs protecting from something in the other parent. This is often a distortion – but the overprotective parent cannot see it.
This mother will never see your son as you do – simply accept that – and see what you might need to do to secure her trust so that you may have an opportunity to continue to build a relationship with the boy.
I believe you will have to call her directly and say you are missing the boy very much and ask if you could please come and talk with her.
You need to find a way to find out what has upset her and see how this can be resolved so you can resume your relationship with this child. Perhaps inviting her out for lunch or coffee – into neutral territory might help the discussion.
If you can build a bridge to your family, the chances of your son connecting with his son will be much greater.
Barbara Burrows is a psychotherapist who works with a group of professional advisers to address the questions sent to her by concerned parents. Her column appears Thursdays. Questions or comments can be sent to barbaraburrows@cogeco.ca. Visit her website www.barbaraburrows.com
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Parent Coach Radio is pleased to announce Dr. Joshua Coleman as our special guest for Thursday Feb 25th. Dr Coleman is the author of ”When Parents Hurt”. This show will focus on all areas of parental alienation and parental estrangement. Dr Coleman would like to share strategies on dealing with this issue and strategies on reconnecting with the estranged children. Dr Coleman has been interviewed on national media outlets such as the The Today Show and Good Morning America talking about parental alienation. Feel free to call in with questions for Dr. Coleman
