As an advocate of parental alienation I walk a fine line with gender issues between father’s rights and also mother’s rights. The real issue at hand is parental rights but people are so wrapped up in the who or what to blame they forget that people come from different walks of life and various circumstances.  How does one woman tell the story of her life to help true victims without it crossing the lines of offense? The story of truth sets some free while others use it as a line of defense for blame. I have wanted to share a story for years but have been silent, love me or hate me there is a story that walks outside of the boundaries the movement sets in stone. How do we become stronger without tying some of these issues together? Many women and men make up lies to win a battle but what happens to the individual that falls in the cracks and has a truthful story of abuse.

In 1991 at the age of 16 I married a young 18 yr old man. In my own mind I believed this would be forever and a life that I dreamed of with happiness. My years prior were filled with abuse and I fell captive to the illusion of love that my husband professed. The silent beginning that only few know about is that the abuse had already occurred prior to our wedding date. The incidents were forgiven quickly because at least he would tell me he was sorry or that he couldn’t live without me. Those words were more than my father would tell me so I believed the words streaming out of his mouth to my ears.

The first two years of our marriage I wore a blindfold to truth and allowed the punching bag sessions to continue. The emptiness I felt as a person was clear to others who knew me. In this time period he was also indulging himself with another woman that he never laid a hand on. I found out I was pregnant with my son and thought this would be a stepping stone for change. It was defiantly a stepping stone because his mistress was also pregnant.  I can remember wondering if I did everything he asked would it all change.

The years went on and the progression of abuse became a ritual in my everyday life. The fighting was constant and I left on several occasions to only return after the charm of change was lingering in my ears. His words became harsher and the restrictions were like a half way house. Cell phones were a convince many people delighted in but to me it was a constant communication of “Where are you, what are you doing?” 

My daughter was a new addition and I was often baffled when I was hit during my pregnancy. More time had passed and the physical abuse was less but another abuse was occurring to take its place. I would almost find myself wishing the physical and mental abuse was the only aspects I had to experience.  The pain of being raped by a person who tells you they love you is a confusing time. The battle of self confidence became a major contention in my mind. It broke me emotionally on several occasions and only after the act would I hear the apologizes then the excuse, you can’t rape a spouse.  I spent time trying to understand what was wrong with me.

I can recollect a time during a family graduation in the past three years where I went to the event and he decided to stay home. I was with his family members and because there was a lie band I did not hear my phone ring. He came all the way out there around midnight because he wanted me to be home to tend to him. He was angry because I didn’t answer my  cell phone and I paid for that one.  I walked on egg shells even with his own family events.

Our children were a negotiation tool for his selfish needs.  He rarely ever carried out the duties of a father unless he was in the mood. He would have more interest of looking me in the bedroom than having a catch with his son or baking with his daughter. I longed for participation with us as a family instead I believed an illusion of what I thought it should be.

This is only a small fragment of the 18 yrs of abuse that I survived. I fell for a life of self imposed illusions to live day to day.  My illusion fractured a healthy mind set to realize that he wouldn’t change I had to.  I allowed myself to believe this distorted fairytale for 18 years. His negative terminology generated raw emotion of pain and the lack of worth as a person. I have struggled to find who I am without him telling me who I should be.  I have been beaten down in many ways but have found the strength to stand back up and find myself.  Dan still continues to hold my son at ransom; he allows negative behavior to continue with complete disrespect to me. I’m told it’s between you and him, meanwhile my sons screaming at me in his father’s presence. He sits our daughter down for a five hour “chat” to tell her not to listen to me. He cries in front of her using guilt and saying how I left them all, my children are used as a ransom in his ploy to win them over after years of his neglect.

 Dan Chrzanowski  stole my dignity and years of my life but now I have taken my life back to leave a greater legacy to my children.  A legacy of what love should be

^{Corinthians 13}

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

 13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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The price that an alienated parent pays when leaving a harmful situation is often times a much higher one than is ever expected. The complex positioning of abusers and the effects to our children are detrimental to our society and their futures. I know many parents that come to the same conclusions when they sit back and try to cherish their own memories of their sons and daughters after separating from a dysfunctional spouse or partner.

In my personal experience, growing up with parental alienation, I strongly believe that children are not who they were destined to be in their life because they are often forced to side with one parent to the detriment of the other and are robbed of their childhood by a selfish parent. The child loses the benefit of both parents.  A child learns from the adults they are surrounded by and they learn to share their values and thinking patterns to what is right or wrong, likewise when surrounded by dysfunction they are more likely to develop dysfunctional patterns. In adolescents, their minds are fragile and can be transformed into an alienator’s dream because the children are taught to share in the hatred and lie their way through life. The fragile minds are tricked into believing that there is fear and they have to maintain a loyalty to the alienating parent.

My perspective on the effects of parental alienation is becoming a fear of what we are creating for our inheriting generation. Main factors that we deal with are the behavior patterns of the alienator that are dysfunctional and that by itself has many components of abuse or other anomalies that are being passed on to our children as being “normal.” The foundation of parental alienation goes far beyond our immediate comprehension, because all behaviors and their results are so complicated and intertwined, very much like the movie “The Butterfly Effect,” where the effects of the changes and actions are not fully understood. There is a very intense book called “Abuse Excuse” and while reading this book I saw society and parental alienation in an expanded light. Everything in society is becoming based more on emotion and then logic.The base knowledge that there is a cause and effect for ones actions is now a rarity.  In society we look at media and feel the emotion for missing children or even feel sympathy when a victim kills their abuser in self-defense. In some cases these “victims” go free because they have a sympathetic jury. What is it that we are teaching our children about self-responsibility, coping, and their own futures?

How do we retain the basics for children that form ethics and positive outcomes for our children’s futures when dysfunction is being poised as the new normal?  The legacies children are receiving are filled with pain and turmoil that is handed down from generations. Parental Alienation is only a small portion of the problem; it is a branch that grows off a bigger root. Due to circumstances in our lives we believe that narcissism and border line personality disorder is the normal everyday occurrence as frequency of the disorders increase.  As we have seen within the children that positive and negative traits are inherited or taught through interaction and their environment. In most cases these children have no middle ground to understand but they gain the wisdom to be unique in getting what they want while struggling with both sides of extreme behavior.

One parent might be the disciplinarian and the other parent might not be consistent with any rules. This is a perfect analogy where there is no middle ground and in time the child learns to just ask the inconsistent parent for their needs.  The pain children experienced infused with an alienator’s hatred and anger progresses into a state of mind muddied with the survivor skills that are acquired and carried for the rest of their lives. The very skills that parents have been taught and now being taught to the next generation.

We have learned that in many cases of parental alienation that even our ex-spouses most likely have a narcissistic personality disorder. This is a beginning to understanding the nature of the beast when negative behaviors are being passed onto our children. But how had these skills been introduced to this person to act on, which clearly demonstrates several generations of parental authority being undermined by someone and other generational dysfunction that is being handed down to children. They have a fear of abandonment or abuse that has occurred in their past, there is always a negative that has consumed them. In society we have framed a foundation based on these negatives and accepted it as a positive explanation. The hard cold truth is this will never go away until the base foundation is corrected and bad logic being corrected.

We want to enlighten our children to see the truth of whom and what we are; parents spend more time trying to prove they are the opposite of the lies when it comes to being targeted by an alienator.  This strategy is time consuming and in my opinion just proving to the child that the alienator is correct. Be the parent you are, we use excuses that the children do not know better that is why they act like this.. Until recently I even believed that course of action but where does that line become reality of children being responsible for their actions. Yes they might have confused the facts with help but at a certain point a child should not be allowed to disrespect you despite being encouraged or validated by the alienating parent. In our longing to have interaction with our children we are silently teaching them it’s ok to behave in this manner.

The principles of positive parenting are becoming desolate as these circumstances become part of the pattern of behavior. I have seen the outcome of generations in my family burdened with these various patterns. This is the legacy I was left and now I’m living as an alienated parent. This journey is never finished especially since my daughter’s is just beginning. This vicious cycle is about to be broken with my daughter, but first I had to take a look at myself to see the flaws in my foundation to make a new cycle of love rather than abuse.

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The holiday season has arrived as it does every year. The season is one that is recognized for family celebrations and children opening presents with food and laughter. In some houses there will be a silence that will remind of us of the term parental alienation. These homes will be reminded of memories past and the old traditions that brought smiles and warm fuzzy emotions that are affiliated with Christmas.

During these weeks the pain threshold is increased to unlimited reminders of the time you don’t have with your children. While we are hiding from the holidays we are constantly prompted by the visions of lights, commercials, and children in our midst.  We have friends and family that understand to a limit and we feel alone in a whirlwind of tears that we alone cry. It is painful to be a non custodial parent and while it is healthy to grieve there needs to come a time when we say life goes on. There is nothing selfish in this thought process.

Below are some helpful suggestions that might make your holiday season more manageable and easier to cope with. It will be an easier process if you plan ahead and know this is a task that needs your assistance to help others.

• Open your home to other non custodial parents
• Don’t be home alone spend it with family and friends if possible
• Spend some time at a homeless shelter and help serve their needs
• Help under privileged children
• Put together an outing with others so no one is an “orphan” for the holidays.
• Take a vacation with a friend
• Plan a new project

These are not easy transitions to acquire and will take time. You will still have emotions of sadness but they will not be over cumbering to you.  Sometimes we isolate ourselves in our own misery and we make it harder to climb out of the trenches of our pain.  We must remember in divorce children also have mixed emotions about the holidays. 

On Thanksgiving night Parental Alienation Hurts and Get Your Justice Live will have our annual Holiday Support Call. Many of us come together to share memories, tears, and yes even a few laughs in the process.  The call is takes place from 8pm EST: To call in live during the show dial 724-898-1660

 Join us via the computer FREE LIVE CHAT STARTS AT 8PM EST  http://budurl.com/liveshowtimechat

I hope to see some of you there to know you’re not alone this holiday.

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Today is a day that I look back seventeen years and remember your first breathe.  I can easily remember you moving inside me and when you wanted into this world it was when you wanted.  Every year was and is a milestone of laughter and fond memories.  Your first year of life was hard because of you being born a preemie but you and I were glued together from the very beginning.

Your first birthday was decorated with Mickey Mouse and mommy like normal went all out for my dudda bugs special occasion. You were fascinated by your animated Barney and water tether.  You grew so fast and then fell head over heels with the Lion King.  Simba was a trademark I will never forget and you slept with that bear every night.  I look back on these memories and cherish them as every parent does.  Your birthday was always a great celebration, even on your third birthday when we had a huge party at Chuckie Cheese and you and I played in the ball pit for hours.  Your fourth birthday in Wisconsin and I made your beautiful bear cake but Aladdin was the theme and you were nervous because you had girls there from your Pre K class.

I have a memory of every birthday while you were growing up even your birthdays when you were older and we had 15 boys over playing football in the dark until we all were frozen pop cycles.  These are the memories we both share.  You are becoming a man and the time has gone by so fast.

I know in my heart you love me despite what you say or do.  I want you to have a wonderful birthday as I have given you every year.  You are not forgotten and no matter what everyone says I’m still your biggest fan and mother.  My door is always open to you to talk o to even lie in my lap as you always did, I miss watching you play video games or even our battles in Guitar Hero. 

I pray today that you find love and hope.

 Justin my love is always here and has never gone away.  You are my son and nobody will take that from me.  In time I know we will be together again.  Enjoy your day and when you close your eyes to blow out your candles that I’m there in your mind, heart, and spirit. Mommy loves her dudda bug.

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A very good question I have often asked this year is “Who hears the children when they cry?”  Adolescents who have to face the heart wrenching effects of divorce lose a piece of their child like faith. As a natural instinct children become wiser in earlier years. They are challenging their minds to understand and cope with the inner workings of why and how. In most cases the psychological aspect of how can I fix this comes into play and is sometimes encouraged by one of the adults. As adults we know the cause and effects of why and how and unlike movie fairy tales, parents do not reconcile because the child wishes it to be.

Divorce is painful, but in healthy cases where both parents keep the focus on the children it can be rewarding. There are many trained professionals that can help in Collaborative Law practices across the United States. The truth remains that in some of these cases parents can’t work on the issues and the child becomes the reward or punishment to the detriment of the child and other parent.  When I use the word punishment it is not in a physical sense but more in the context that the child will be used to make a parent be held accountable for leaving the relationship. The hostile parent goes out of their way to deny the child to the targeted parent claiming abandonment by the targeted parent.  The old saying children learn what they live is a great explanation of alienation. They have brains like a computer and store knowledge and repeat what they are programmed to do. Some children are strong enough to see through the bad programming and others fall prey to the abuse. 

Parents forget in the quiet time a child spends pondering on their life when no one is looking that there are tears shed on those pillows. Who wipes the tears away, no one because they can’t be seen or exposed?  The child has to survive and have their own mechanisms for coping. As targeted parents you wish you could be there and want to help. The courts tie the hands of the parent and give the status name of NCP or weekend warriors.  The child is caught in the cross fire and is torn until they break and take on the role as alienators helper. The next stage is to take on the alienators’ behavior and “morals”.  A child just doesn’t hate until they are taught to do so or if they are using a self coping mechanism.  The anger for some children begins to feel real and it gains a new bond with the alienator. They share a common ground that makes them feel an allegiance towards each other.

As a child I shared a bond with my father that I never had and didn’t want to lose it. It is hard for a child to determine was is real and fantasy when the source is your parent.  A child holds this pain and if they were like me have shed many tears on their pillows.  We are fighting for these children but have many that are trying to “debunk” that Parental Alienation exists.  If you read this blog you understand the surface of all the pain and how real these circumstances are.

Parents feel at a loss because resources are slim for judicial help and therapists. Many times the emotional roller coaster of what works is shot down after an emotional high. The solutions to one case are not the same for all. We must do our best to research and educate professionals in your area with facts about Parental Alienation. Even if we hit brick roads we must keep pursuing other avenues until we can break down the wall to these children.  So in time that these professionals can help us wipe these tears away or even prevent them from happening.

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 In the most recent months I have had some disturbing emails and friends concerned with what is going on in my life. I have made it a goal not to share the most recent events in my life and my silence has been hiding many factors surrounding my family. I have always shared about my life and have put my mother up on a pedestal leaving out many details. How does a child reach a point of bonding when there was only a fantasy of a true bond? There will be more to come about this story this week.

My readers know about my alienation with my step dad and how he did taint my relationship with my mother, Patty Woodall DiFebbo Larsen. The latest events are all on her own and the only person accountable would be her. My mother signed me off to be married at the age of 16. She states she thought I would just run off and get married anyway so she signed the papers allowing a 16 yr old to marry. (I have a 16 yr old son as well and would never attempt to do this and have realized how immature a child is at this age.)  During this time in my life I married Daniel Chrzanowski Jr,a  man whose own mother asked me not to marry her son because of his behavior and how he treated me. I spent 18 yrs filled with all forms of abuse from my ex. They range from rape, beatings, and emotional abuse. I stayed after he cheated on me and had a child through his two year affair. I left last year and have been watching behind the scenes as the lies get spread like a disease to my children from my own family as well as my ex.

My relationship with my mom has been rocky off and on for years but the latest acts are inexcusable from someone who says they are a Christian. My mother has hated my ex for some time and was pleased when I finally left. She was present for a phone call from my daughter where my ex pulled the same stunt my dad used on me years ago. He cried as my daughter held him quoting my father saying she left us etc. I fainted and took it hard and my mom seemed real in comforting me and even had ideas for me to take my kids away from this situation. She loved my new boyfriend and thanked him on a number of occasions and even called him her new son.

My ex who ran in his room when ever my parents came to visit was now having conversations with my mom and dad on how to make us work and get me to return home. My mom went from disliking him and his actions to believing he was a changed man after 18 yrs of torture in my life. I still wonder why and what mother would want her daughter to return to an abuser. In the beginning she was taking my children to church and giving me updates on them. This past Christmas my son asked me to return for Christmas and have a family Christmas. I took my daughter and did so and was stupid not fully knowing what I was walking into. I called the ex and said I would not be returning to him but for the kids for Christmas. On Christmas Eve the ex got on his knee and gave me a new ring the kind I always wanted from him. He would not tell me where he obtained this ring. He also told my mother that I was returning to him when I told him to call her. She was shocked when I called her and told her I stated I was there for the children. She was keeping in close contact with the ex and reporting activities to others and my ex. My mother also made a statement saying if he abuses her again we will be there for her. Um hello why would you even want me to return?

Christmas was over and I returned with my daughter and Lary to MI where me and my mom where having less contact. In Feb she wrote a letter to me asking forgiveness for her actions as I was hearing from others she was talking to about how my mother was talking behind my back and making statements like I think my daughter is Bi Polar or many other false statements. I did not respond to her forgiveness email right away and there was hell to pay for it. I was now told I always hurt her and she then put me in the same category as my dad which is a far reality from what I am. She had my friend go to the house where my ex is to pick up food from my mother and the ex and my mom talked about me and my life in a negative view. My mother even went over to my BF’s husband sitting in the car and said “Your wife will leave soon she is comforting Danny don’t be mad at her.”  Now whose mother does all this to her own daughter as she claims to love me and be there when ever I need her? I called my mother about this and it was nothing short of our normal crap. She wanted communication but only on her terms. She lied and said it didn’t happen and made a number of excuses. Finally at the end of the call she said so what if I did talk to him, so what. She lied about some statements made and clamed I always had to be the victim. She said I was mean and bitter and a number of other insulting words so her lies wouldn’t be exposed. When she is on the spot it is always my fault and then she hides behind her Christianity and always acting naive when she knows what she is doing.  I was told I should thank her for taking my kids and having her help them. To me if you’re helping me you share the truth and not expose the grandkids to lies about their mother.

Last June my daughter went to visit with her dad and we all agreed she would return on August 1, 2009. The weeks leading up to this date were interesting and also really exposed me to who my mom is. It was a sad day when I received a phone call from my daughter telling me that in 3 yrs I was going to be beat by my new boyfriend. I was shocked and confused. Then it comes out that she had breakfast with my mom at the local Denny’s. There were other statements made and about her past with my dad and tying them into my new relationship.

Now I will get into more detail in another blog but wanted to share my latest eye opening experience. I went to New Jersey a couple of weeks ago the reasoning I will share later and found out some things that I thought was almost surreal.  That wedding ring my ex gave me a Christmas came from my mom. She bought it and gave it to my ex to give to me. She also told my daughter I was never beat but disciplined. She also made statements like your mother wants everyone to feel sympathy for her and her mouth just kept going to a 13 year old child. She wouldn’t talk to me at all but when I returned to NJ she was talking and telling me this is great you invested many years with him. My favorite was someday I will be teaching Marriage Counseling because of all I’ve been through and will make it work. So I leave you with this thought how can a mother use her grandchildren against their mother.  Why would a mother conspire with her daughter’s abuser and why would she want me to return to a man who has stuck a knife to her throat, brutally raped her many occasions, controlled her an broke her to feel like she was nothing. What mother claims to love like Corinthians 13 and then throw her daughter under the bus too many people so she looks like the good one?  I have given my mother my love and always will love her but I will not be silenced anymore about the truth and what reality is. I have walked away from my abuser and have been punished for doing so. My new boyfriend treats me like a queen and loves my son and daughter. In my mind I can’t understand why any mother who claims to love her child would now treat the abuser as her son and treat her daughter like the abuser. Why would my mother want me returning to a home where felons are there and my children being there as well?

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It has been a while since I have written a blog about a child’s perspective on parental alienation.  There are times before bed I think about the past and wonder if I did something different would it have been the same.  I have come a long way in my advocacy from the time I started and I always believe in hope for the future.  I think my life would have been different if alienation was not involved.

My life as a child was painful and has had an impact on my adult life and everyday situations.  I grew up in a home based on fear and constant arguing. Secretly I remember feeling happiness when my mom left because she would no longer be knocked around.  In this time span I went from being happy to hating her with influence from my dad. I often wonder in the beginning if he did the things without knowing or if it was in his agenda the whole time.  In my opinion I think he knew looking back at his precise timing and skill.

I know myself that as an adult I suffer in many areas. I have many issues and battle with so many thoughts and decisions. Growing up trying to please everyone and feeling crazy all time takes a toll on child. I used to be angry all the time and as I matured I run from conflict. I always felt that communication was a bridge for failure and pain. If you let someone in they will hurt you. I have built walls in everything I do and it really is time to let it all go.

It is hard to change the things in your life when you have grown up with these morals in your head. In many cases children of alienation either take the role as the alienator or become alienated as parents.  I believe over time that just like a child is taught in their younger years it carries with them into adult hood. A child never feels complete ever and they don’t know why. Parental Alienation is a form of emotional abuse it weighs on the mind and heart. There are no marks visibly seen it is a deep dark hidden secret that pulls you down in an endless abyss of blackness. There are punishments for not following “the rules”.  There is no calm portion of being torn in two and losing your mind to someone else’s thought pattern. The justice system being the way it is gives children little comfort to speak up and tell the truth even if they wanted to do so. You might ask why and the answer is because there is a high probability they will still end up back with the AP.

There are many children out there with the pain that I share with you all on occasion. There are so many mixed feelings in a child that change depending on the day and the influence in their thoughts. This slow destruction of a child/adult is playing with fire because it takes a long time to find out who you really are as a person. Parental Alienation is the modern day holocaust for children. They are fooled into thinking some idea or fantasy only to be led to inner destruction by the hand of a sick person. A person deep seeded with hate, anger, and a form of discrimination towards others.  Hitler went and made mini Hitler’s to carry out his duties. He instilled hate into many and brainwashed a whole army to seek, kill, and destroy.  The Jewish community prayed to be free and lost hope of finding this freedom. But like Hitler there will be a time when the alienator fails.

“He alone, who owns the youth, gains the future.” 
Adolf Hitler 

How true of a statement is this for an alienator?

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”

Adolf Hitler

I believe it is only fitting after using the analogy of the holocaust to end this with a quote from Anne Frank

“… in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can’t build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery, and death. I see the world gradually being turned into a wilderness, I hear the ever approaching thunder, which will destroy us too, I can feel the sufferings of millions and yet, if I look up into the heavens, I think that it will all come right, that this cruelty too will end, and that peace and tranquility will return again.” – Anne Frank 

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I was talking to another alienated child who is now an adult and her story was horrific.  She went through the battle of alienation as a child. Her mother turned her against her father at an early age. She like I lived in constant fear but now like so many others deals with this as an adult with her own children.  It seems to be a constant cycle of abuse that lasts a lifetime.  Children learn what they see and for some of us we get caught up in making our own bad decisions. These circumstances turn into bad choices for mates in our futures.

This woman who reached out for help left an abusive relationship.  Her worst fear came to light when the family that once hated her ex for years of abuse turned their back on her. She left and they all seemed happy about the break- up. It was a fresh start and a chance to gain back a life that was desolate and left with despair. The problem is like so many of us without our children, that her family went and fell trap to the alienator lies and fantasy world of “change”.  The parent in question helps the ex and suggests ideas to the children about the present relationship they are in.  They impose their own past relationship of alienation and abuse with the grandchild.  They bring fear into the child and leave them more confused and withdrawn.  The turmoil this brings to a child is horrible.  You would think as an adult they would know better but selfishness gets in the way.

I felt horrible for this woman that her own family who have lived through this and our educated in this have switched to the dark side. I asked her if her parent was living through them not to lose contact from their grandchild. Maybe this is the case maybe not.  

So what do we do when we are a fit parent and the odds are stacked against us?  Do we grin and bear it?  No because at some point in time the truth becomes real. People expose themselves in these matters and the narcissistic behavior becomes apparent. Keep doing what makes you feel that you can get through the day.  We know the truth no one else has had to live with the alienator but us. If your family member gets in the way of your relationship with your children know that they will surely hang themselves. A child does not develop the “independent thinker” theory on their own. It is a strategy that is forced on them without knowledge. Alienators come across to the world as a victim, one who will act out a role in a movie.  An alienator thinks with selfishness and uses their own thoughts and imposes them to the child. Who will break the cycle; in this case the grandparent’s keep the alienation in the family.

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Yesterday was my brothers birthday. This is a letter of love to my brother, Carlo DiFebbo Jr. I have missed time with you in the later years and I want you to know that I wish you the best. It breaks my heart not to be there with you on your special day. I long to say I love you or even Happy Birthday and chuckle. Today is your day and a day to celebrate your life. I have held on to the day where I can give you a hug. Someday I say all the time but when is that day. I miss you and Anthony and I know it is hard to be in the postion you are in. As the day passed on you where on  my mind and what you would be doing on the day of your birth. You are no longer a boy but a man with a family of your own. Today your older sister wishes you a birthday filled with love, peace, and happiness. I wish I could be with you but I have learned I have to love you from a distance. That love for you and Anthony never goes away nor is it reduced because you are not physically present. I’m always here for you and never will I quit thinking one day we will sit around and laugh as siblings do. I love you CJ and I want to say Happy Birthday even if it’s in a blog. I love you and forever will know the bond we shared!

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Alienation happens in many forms. Most people know it as parental alienation, but there are more forms that disrupt the family unit. When divorce happens it hits a child heart even if they are normal circumstances.  Plus there are alienation tactics that are used just in normal human behavior but in cases such as ours they become a foundation for a full blown war of revenge.

Growing up with my brothers was one of the only highlights in my childhood. We are all five years apart and had an interesting bond as siblings. They were a big part of my world. I was and still am proud of them. I always guarded their hearts and protected them any way I could as a big sister.  I have not seen them   since they were 10 and 5 years of age.  Something I live with to this day is not being there for them not by my choice but by my dad’s actions. I have sent the cards and the photos of their nephew and niece.  We all know the drill of how we try and regain contact.

What does a child lose out on and how are they affected when they lose the sibling they should have contact with? A child loses a piece of their heart just like the parent does just in a different way. My heart breaks every day that goes by and I don’t talk with either of them. I have lost memories and time that cannot be given back to me.  The understanding to this method of madness is unconceivable at times. Children ask questions all the time.  “Why can’t sister/brother talk to me?”  This is just one of the famous lines of questioning in these circumstances. Children like me feel as if we have failed as well.  It leaves a feeling of confusion but also an emotion that am I not good enough to be with my sibling. Why have they turned their back on me?  A child takes on this emotion as if it is by their own actions or doing.

I have lost out on prom, sports games, and the first girl I had to knock out for my brother and vice versa. I missed my youngest brother growing up; the list can go on and on. The simple words I love you here only go so far. I know I have an anger that I’m not in their lives if I had a phone call tomorrow I would be on a plane and there for whatever they needed.

Sibling alienation needs to be handled differently than others. I believe depending on the age of the children it is a more delicate situation. I know it is hard when you have your own pain but don’t forget about your other child who might also need you to remind them that it isn’t their fault and they haven’t done anything to make the sibling go away.

I would also recommend that they write a journal for their sibling. They can write memories and jokes etc to show them when they return so both children can feel that even know they were not there they still can picture it and make a memory. Keep them active and let them buy their own gift or card for the siblings as well. The memories they do have let them cherish as well. Sometimes during our own pain we forget the one’s around us and the pain they feel. If you are down and crying when your child’s name is mentioned, the other child will feel they cannot be open about their own struggles which can develop into inner resentment for the sibling.

To my brothers,

I love you with all my heart, I have never left you or been so far away that I can’t be reached. Time has stood still since you have been gone. I hold on to the smiles and the tears we have shared. We grow older and move on in our lives with our own families but nothing can take the place of my brothers. You never stand alone because I can always be by your side. I love you and miss you and NO ONE will take that from me!

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