A few months back everyone was talking about a new movie that touched on Parental Alienation. Last week I had the chance to watch the movie, The Secret Life of Bees.  This movie is very subtle in foundation of parental alienation and not the typical case as most of us know.  The death of her mother left her with unanswered questions. Dad wouldn’t share this information and belittled the bond once shared between mother and daughter. 

If you are able to watch this movie with your child or maybe even send it to them if age appropriate.  My friend had the chance to watch this movie with their daughter and it was a strong message in the situation surrounding her.  At the end of the movie on her own she spoke up about her feelings and some of the lies her father had been telling her. 

The ending of the movie has a strong impact on targeted parents and children/adults who watch it. When I watched the feature film I was brought back to my own childhood.  Every day was a fight to regain my life and mind.  I would encourage everyone to watch this movie. I personally bought a copy to own. Grab the tissues and keep praying for the return of your children.

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I have been asked a question on several occasions by parents, “Do I regret waking up?”  Divorce or seperation for a child is normally a hard confusing adjustment to what the normal life is for them.  When Parental Alienation is involved it becomes worse and the confusion can make you feel crazy. The cult like behaviors of alienation becomes a new substitute of memories and a withdrawn nature to the other parent.

During the “wake up time” I was angry with my dad and also angry with myself that I allowed myself to be fooled and keep a continued lie alive.  This time in my life was truly a wake up time but it was also a feeling of some kind of peace to the nature of the beast. I think sometimes either way the situation was a bad one and will forever effect a child.  In my case my anger turned from one parent to the other, Just like any friend or person that has done us wrong the feelings of anger and turmoil arise. The cost for a child is guilt and trust factors for society later on in life as an adult. They capture a new way to deal with interaction and society.  I have suffered  and had to conquer many obstacles in the area of alienation. Many children/adults do not take it to the level I have to expose or even understand the components of alienation in my life.

The numbers increase  every year for parents and children coming to the conclusion that some form of alienation is or has happened in their family.  In the past my line of thinking was not of my own direction but of another. Today I’m happy to say that I have been lucky enough to understand why and the extreme measures that were used in my life to “hate”my mom. My experiance in this process is not fully over until I see my brothers again.

To answer the question: Do I regret waking up?

I regret that alienation was in my life at all, because whether I woke up  or not there is still pain and confusion that could of been prevented.

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In this day and age where there is more public dysfunction within families the bonding unit is lost. Society has lost the basic family instinct to hold parents and children together. How do we understand the dynamics of alienation behaviors in children when divorce and dysfunction are the norm? I have learned a lot within the past year and have heard many different cases about Parental Alienation. The stories change and have various similarities but never the less the same outcome.  Most targeted parents are looking for the same outcome; bring my child home safe and happy. Parents remember the child from the past and always are nostalgic to that time period of the “Happy Times”. Today the child is different and not the child you bonded with at an earlier stage in their life.

As a society we are all different and no two are exactly the same. I say this to let you know that like targeted parents, children have various emotions. In the next statements I’m not passing judgment on anyone but giving insight about alienation and various emotions. I see and hear about Targeted Parents who are on their last string of hope, angry, ready to walk away, or fighting to the death to stay in their child/children’s life.   I have seen judgment passed on those who walk away and also for the parents that fight.

What theory or protection mechanism that works for one family may not work for another. Children are the same way; I have seen alienated children contrast individual behavior than mine. Through my experience I see two sets of basic guidelines within the behaviors. The child with the anger issues that displays the “typical” attributes to their daily activities with the Targeted Parent. The contributing factors are demeaning, battering, hostility, anger, aggression, and fear to the targeted parent.

The alternative behavior within children is one that is harder for the outside world to recognize. They seem positive and excel in their academics. They might show signs of social anxiety and fear but the visible behavior pattern reveals to others that they are “fine” and there is no conflict. The alienating parent will belittle that alienation is occurring based on the positive patterns the child exposes to the bystanders.

My experience is that the children love both parents but are in the middle of something bigger than them. The alienating parent for selfish reasons places their child in the middle of a tug of war game. Alienators use tactics and propose that the targeted parent abandoned them for leaving the relationship with the spouse. I have also been reading that children held hostage over these  narcissistic behaviors of a parents lead to other disorders.  I see alienation as a blanket of snow. The ground and foundation we stand on is covered with snow not to be seen, we walk on top of it knowing it’s there. At some point there is a transition period of melting to be seen again. Like nature we don’t control the beast but we do have knowledge to know that we are good parents.

Below is an article that I found useful on researching other children like myself.

http://www.psychologyinfo.com/forensic/alienated-children.html

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Although I am no longer with the group referenced in the video, this is my speech in Washington DC at the DC FESTIVAL 2008 in August of this year. I felt it important to put it up again here after many parents letting me know how much the video helped their families when shared with targeted parents and their children. Please pass it along.

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This time of year as society tells us we should be with family and celebrating traditions. These traditions as we know them have diminished and only stand in our memory. The holidays are a time of despair and pain. The sounds of laughter and children around are desolate. We go to the store or see the commercials  of happy families on the TV and experience the grief of being without our children. The loneliness and depression kicks in as we see other happy families together and celebrating the holidays. The feeling that no one understands takes precedence in our minds. A childless holiday is one without thanks.

A child feels the loss as well. They are fed the lies that are so carefully put before them like the Thanksgiving Feast. It is a beautiful set-up with all the trimmings and garnished to perfection. The focus of our dinner is turkey the focus of alienation is taking away what we love for the alienators’ personal gain. No matter what the reasoning the outcome is the same.

The children are the silent suffers in this battle. The grief for both sides is long and excruciating but this holiday season know that…. Your day of breakthrough could be around the corner! I have heard many stories in the past couple of months of reunification taking place between parents and their lost children. The bonds are being restored in baby steps like the process of learning to walk.

This holiday as you deal with the grief of your children hold fast to the miracles that happen every day in our lives. We never know what miracles God is doing in our absence to help our children through this journey as well. We need to do our best for self preservation and to try and not be overcome. Keep some traditions and make new ones. The pain is still there and you can’t replace your children. Parent’s who have not gone through this tragedy will not fully understand so stay connected with people who do. I would advise to stay around positive people at this time of year. A person with a negative attitude will reflect on you and your attitude and make you both miserable. Part of a healing process is to also not let your alienator have another piece of your life. This phrase is easier said than done because our anger grabs a hold of us at this time. The battle wounds will always be there as a reminder but scars fade with time. Keep the focus on the children. We need to learn from the parents that have made it through the reunification successfully but also the time they spent in the wilderness.

We cannot see them but we can make them a part of our holiday

· Make them an ornament for the tree that someday they can hang on their families tree

· Make Christmas cookies with a note and mail it to them (Just maybe they will receive it)

· Make part of the Christmas presents something memorable to them with a blast from the past that can trigger the good memories with you

· Always keep journaling for your release and their future awareness

· Make duplicates of fun holidays in the past and send them out with splash of the perfume/cologne familiar to them

· Send them the videos of your favorite Holiday movie or songs

There are many ideas get creative. You might get them returned but hold on to these treasures for later. I always expect the worst but pray for the best. I wish you all a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with peace. There are shows on this Thanksgiving for parents who are alone and need support…

Go to www.talkshoe.com at 8 pm EST.…. Joshua Rose Foundation hosts a special Thanksgiving support program and at 9pm The Lee Pas Foundation will have a show for support.

My Mom Patty Larsen wrote a prayer….

Prayer

Father in Jesus name I come to you boldly and ask you to give me peace in my heart. I miss my child/children and I know that you feel our pain and that you have compassion on us. I know that you would never leave me without support. I ask for the power of the Holy Spirit to overcome my feelings of loss. Thank you that you are concerned with the smallest detail that concerns me. When I am lonely or discouraged I will think on things that are pure and good from your Word. Thank you that I am not alone and that you never leave me comfortless. When I feel that life is unfair, I will remember that you are more than enough.

In Jesus Name Amen.

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When one parent feels ripped apart because of the ex’s outlandish lies your whole world gets torn apart. The daily activity that once was a part of your life is nonexistent. The laughter and the cheer that was once on your child’s face have washed away with tears of sadness and inner struggle. A child’s life is also shaken to the core with confusion and turmoil that they can’t grasp. They fall prey to the lies and the guilt that is put in their path. As parents we feel their pain and love our children and sometimes experience a helplessness to help them out of this black hole.

We feel that the child has lost that bond with us. But the reality is that inside those minds is still an unconditional love towards us. How do we gap that bridge that always led them to us? As a child I always felt lost and forsaken to the term divorce. My parents went separate ways and I was left standing in the middle with a fork in the road. In a normal divorce this is physically and emotionally damaging for a child, but in an alienation situation it becomes brutal. In my case and so many others a form of guilt is used to persuade the child into staying with the one parent. The child’s true feelings are swept under the rug and their decisions are focused on this guilt. This is one of the steps of alienation then the web unfolds to other lies and manipulation.

Never give up and keep holding on that the truth will someday prevail and be discovered. A person’s mind always thinks this will never get better. I can say and so many others have said, “It Does”. There is a hope that the light will shine in the darkness. We have to counter act with truth and love. Parents have to show the children we are the total opposite of lies that run through their mind. We can’t buy them or manipulate them but LOVE them. When fighting the battle of PA keep in mind that sometimes TP’S fall into the mind set about getting revenge on the other parent because of the pain they have caused you. This emotion is a normal one but the focus should be about the child and not always the revenge and hatred towards the AP. In my case of PA I don’t speak or desire a relationship with my dad. I feel he took a part of me that I can’t get back. I have learned that he was selfish and more interested in hurting my mom then my best interest. My dad’s best interest was all about himself and his own needs and desires to bring my mom home. One day at a time, and each day you wake up will be one day closer to your children discovering the truth.

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This is a letter for the alienator how as an adult I feel towards that person and questions that surround me on more than one occasion. I hope you read the whole letter and the see into a child’s frustration, confusion, and maybe hatred. Sometimes the hatred is reversed and I know leaves in me a deeper scar because of the part I played in it. Some kids don’t always hate the alienator but hates their actions. It is such a terrible thing to do to a child but as an adult I sit back and say why didn’t anyone else see this. Why didn’t the judicial system work for my brothers? Why did we fall through the cracks? Where does the law really work? The law, words on a piece of paper with some distinguishing number. They aren’t always right they don’t take away my feelings and they sure didn’t help my family.

Today after weeks of hearing so many different stories my heart breaks. I want to just take them all and their children and give them a big hug. It also takes me back to that dark evil place where I once stood. My head held low, the jitters in my stomach, the overwhelming feeling of confusion, and loneliness.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to believe I have lived through so much in a short time.

But today I sit back and ask myself Why?? Why did he do this to my brothers and me? I was lucky enough to escape this evil. This evil that I held the hand of for so long. I lived in this dungeon of hatred and corruption. The only person to save me was me. I only through experience can say what is wrong with this man.

Why has he put his own interest, his own cares above his children? How can you hate someone so much that you use your children as your defense to hide who you really are? The deep evil that lies in the belly of your soul was seen to me. But to others you share a false accusation of betrayal so you can be pitied. People say you don’t know someone until they walk in your shoes. I don’t want your shoes. I’m always afraid of what I write in case my brothers read this. But this is something I have to clear my mind of. WHY? What did I do to deserve this hell you have thrown me into?  WHY do I have live with this mess? What did I do so badly as a child that you used me to better your odds? To put the game in your favor. Why was I punished for being my mother’s daughter?  You sit and you plot. You toy with our emotions. You left me deserted abandoned, cold and hungry for you. I was so stupid to fall into your pit of emptiness that’s all it was inside your empty you have no emotions to do this to us. Your revenge is your life and you will try to do anything to win. You told me you would kill yourself you told me my mom hated me. You told me you where the better parent. You told me lies. No parent who loves their children makes them suffer like this. I gave you my soul my heart and my trust. My mind and heart where fragile like glass. You picked me up lifted me high and threw me so hard that the glass would shatter in so many pieces that I couldn’t glue myself back together.

I was a child growing in the house of deception. WHY can’t kids grow up where they are loved? I was still learning emotions you taught me many. “Don’t take any wooden nickels” I heard every day. I never would know the full impact of those words until now. I despise them now. I hate those words. Because you live them to the fullest. Anyone that can want to physically hurt their children to win a battle is gutless to face the underlining problem themselves. Winning is everything to you. You don’t know the meaning of love. You don’t love anything not even yourself. I love you and hate you and I hate myself for that feeling. YOU DID THIS TO ME. You make my brothers believe your lies their heads are filled with lies that at this time they fully believe happened to them even when it didn’t. Mommy didn’t beat them but you have them so warped they believe it. The only people you let in are the ones who you can control. Why didn’t you treat me the way I deserved? I wasn’t the worst child in the world. We had to live in such order all the time appearances are everything right. Look good to the outside world but inside behind closed doors are everything. I see you for who you are a man that is really broken and scared. You live your life like a fugitive running from the law. Why what do you have to hide? You’re so secluded so no one knows your business. Afraid people will see through that dark soul. You ripped our family apart and blame it on mommy. You transformed us kids into social and emotional outcasts to keep us with you. I can’t understand why a parent gets so wrapped up in THEIR own world they forget to remember the innocent children around them. Why is everything a war? A battle to conquer? We are not pieces of a puzzle that you just make fit in the hole that it wasnt supposed to be in.

Even as a child I watched. Everything had to be a secret. I learned how to fool the system. You made me become like you a child hears and sees what a parent does. So because of this I can find the manipulation in what you do because you made me you. Your true colors arent of white but of black. The deep black hole that you think you fill. But you can’t fill it that’s why you hide and run. You keep running scared. I’m not afraid of you anymore. You trained me to well into your black pit. I once lived as you. I felt what you felt, the anger, loneliness, abandonment. I was once your robot. The training that you gave me will one day come back to haunt you.  You think you have won for now but you can’t control my mind anymore. The mother you had me believe in does not exist. She is one with heart, compassion, friendship, and loyalty to us kids.

Why didn’t anyone else see this? Why didn’t the lawyers see what I see today as an adult? I can look at a paper and in 2 seconds I see the fraud. Are they not there for the children. Do they need to hear a story to how it screws us up for life? Why does a parent have to let the children go to an abuser?  A parent shouldn’t have to say I give because they have to wonder if they or their kids will die because of it. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? The saying that the innocent will prevail. The innocent kids don’t prevail without a lifelong fight to find the truth and then do we believe what we were taught for so long. This is surreal for me to understand. The innocent are the kids being involved in a fight that wasn’t even their own. Parents say we had them out of love. Or our kids are the best part of the marriage well act like it. It’s for them not you.

I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t sit back and say oh well. I’m now a fighter on the other side. I’ve been taught in both sides of the board. You made me a fighter. So now I’m fighting back. Why, is my only question the answer you will surely take to your grave? Sometimes I wonder if you have any human emotion. You’re so busy taking others to therapy why don’t you get your own. The only PhD you have is in lies.  Someday I hope you can see inside yourself what I saw for you as a kid. You treated me terrible but you where my hero. You where everything to me. But I have given up on that illusion the false testimony of man. A real hero is one that even if it breaks them does whatever possible to protect their children. They will have their heart break for eternity for someone else. A hero is having to physically let go when they are hurt to give their kids a chance at life. They stand with their head low but they stand. A hero is one that no matter who has their kids they don’t give up. A heroes heart can be broken and feel as if there is no tomorrow. But they are warriors they fight for the love that never diminishes. You are none of these you fight for yourself in a world where payback is bliss. Your winning ego has taken you to a whole other dimension. Someday I hope you hear the words I often did from you………..

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Children or adults of Parental Alienation are faced with many emotions and reactions to PA. I’m now 33 yrs old and struggle with depression and guilt. I know I find my anger and rage filed back in my head and my other emotions come forword. These past couple of weeks I have battled depression once again. This is not new to me but it is a constant battle.  My depression takes over and at times I don’t know why it comes and it goes and usually I can tackle it but this time it has got the best of me, keep in mind I’m back with my mom.

Children have their anger and rage which many of you have seen from your own children. I was no angel in that department which leads to guilt. My guilt no one can take away or make better. Even though I hear all the time it was not your fault I still did the actions and no words of encouragement can make it go away. I have trust issues and don’t make choices very well. I don’t trust anyone and I’m let down in my mind all the time. I cage myself up because I don’t want to be hurt again so I don’t leave these options open to others. I often believe that after we are brainwashed we just turn into robots and live this way. Sometimes I even question myself on why I do some of things I do. I don’t understand reactions or pushing people away but I do… Children are left with these emotions and look at me I’m an adult and still struggle. It’s not they hate you all the time maybe like me it’s that they are in pain over this whole thing. Sometimes I wanted my mom to feel my pain. To suffer what I feel inside and she was an easy target since it was already expected for me to be mean and cold. Yes sometimes I was just angry but others it was my pain that came out. You might have to look at the conditions of what happened before the outburst and use the context clues to tell whether it’s pain or anger. I really hope to help others in their pain as well as myself…. Like everything else in parental alienation it’s one day at a time……

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Today I’m doing the unusual and writing two posts. Last night I did not sleep and words and thoughts flowed through my soul. I should really learn to crawl out of bed and write them down to post later. My creative juices always flows when I’m staring at the ceiling in the dark night and when I sit down to do this I can’t grasp the words from the night. This post is about sibling alienation. In some families one child is reconnected with the TP and the siblings are with the AP. In my family I have not seen my brothers in 18 years. I was the oldest then my two brothers. We are all five years apart. I will say #1 for my one brother and the youngest I will refer to as #2I keep remembering the past, the good times with them. Their smile has entered my mind and kept me going many times. My one brother used to make these ridiculous sounds with his mouth that irritated me. Now I play them over and over welcoming them in my memory, I long to hear those sounds in person. My other brother so small and shy sensitive to the world around him he used to tell me he loved me “I love my sister”. I felt so loved by them they were the one solid love that I felt. They made me feel like they needed me and I needed them. I don’t remember really ever fighting with them as siblings do. If they lost their favorite thing I was the first to find it and I didn’t quit until I did so. I helped my #1 brother with homework and when he struggled. I long for them to know them, to share my life and kids with them. They are uncles and I’m an aunt. I want to spoil #1’s daughter so beautiful. What makes it right for my AP to deny me my brothers? Sometimes I’m filled with anger they don’t talk to me but I have to remember the life of PA. My soul feels like it was pulled out of my body and trampled on and put back. I hunger for them. I want to wrap my arms around them and protect them the way I used to. Brother#1 once said to me Chrissy you will always keep me safe and protect me, you’re my big sister. Those words I know are forgotten in his memory but not mine. The pain is hard and cold and I don’t welcome it. The emotion is like a brick on my chest that makes it hard to breathe. I feel as if I’m in quicksand and I can’t get out slowly sinking into an abyss of blackness. I cry out to God and ask Jesus to take this pain and bring them home. I want it NOW! But he knows best and why. I know they will come home but when. When will it be right? When will we be whole again? The little boys I knew are now men with time I can’t get back. I couldn’t be the big sister to take care of the girls that hurt them or to say the simple words if you love her show her.  To help them dress to impress on a date. To show them the mistakes I made so they don’t repeat them. The simple things that older sisters do. Even now with 1 being married to have a best friend in his wife. I’m lost without them. They are the one thing in my childhood that I welcome to relive. I want them back! Brother 2 is older and I lost much time with him being only 5 at the time. He was so gentle and quiet. His laugh was beautiful and so cute to hear. I remember going to the park with him and playing. Sledding on the hill was fun. I got hurt once and he cried for me to feel better. That’s a true sibling love. See we all shared the same room so I had that bond with them. At the time I wanted my own space but I wouldn’t trade that room with the three of us for a mansion. Sibling alienation is not often spoken about but it hurts and is swarmed with a feeling of loss and grief. It is real and life changing. No one  ever in my heart take the place of my brothers. Of course the pain is different than a parents but it is also a relationship that is abandoned not by any of the children’s choices. Alienation puts up barriers in siblings lives as well. Sometimes even if they all live together it still happens. One sibling feels one way about one parent and they disagree. It puts a strain on their relationship and they feel disloyal to one parent which puts pressure on the sibling to fight for the AP. They lose that closeness they once shared. Alienation is destruction for all family members in which we all need to find a way to deal and wait with patience and love. To know that someday I can introduce my children to their uncles who they long to meet. One day we will have a gathering of all of us and be laughing and making fun of one another. To have new memories to embrace in and talk about. To have a broken bond restored to something that was better than before. God I’m waiting on you keep me going until this time. Protect these children and their lives at this time. Keep me in your wisdom and not on my own needs. Father embrace the broken families and make them whole. Jesus take my brothers by the hand everyday and show them the love we have for them. Guard their hearts and keep them safe. Take away their pain and give them a sense of hope. Show them the way home to where they are loved. Nurture them in your love and let them be men of value to their families. Show my brother how to be a great dad and give him and his wife wisdom in their life. Take brother 2 and fill his life with joy and an understanding give him a freedom to be who he is. Let them both remember the old times when we all were happy. God take away my mother’s pain and carry her in her despair. Give her strength and courage to face each day with hope. Gather your angels and protect our family. Not by my will father but by yours. I give you praise already for your word does not return void; I know you will bring my brothers home to us! Amen

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Yesterday was a rough one to say the least. I hate the way families are destroyed. I see the pain and hurt of parents including my mother. The pain is a black hole in our being that was once filled with love and a feeling of being complete. Now the pain chips away at the soul and brings us to our knees crying out to God. We beg, plead, argue, bargin, etc with God to make it go away. For some it does and others like my family have to wait on God. I’ve learned it’s not through our timing but Gods. Yes this is the hardest thing to do wait. These children for parents are their flesh. You gave them life watched them take their first breathe in this world. Now they are controlled by a person who has set out to destroy them and you. For the selfish gain of revenge and hatred that has got a GOTCHA written all over it.From time to time I see my mother’s pain. She is a true vessel of a mother’s love. There are different types of alienators in some cases you can send cards or make phone calls to your children. In some you can be more approachable to your children. Does this mean one doesn’t try hard enough? No it means for reasons beyond our control it’s just impossible. There are still ways to show you care it might not be seen when we want it to but its recorded so the children know. Make a MySpace dedicated to them get creative in your thinking. But keep having believing in HOPE and them at some point they will return. Without hope in this battle what do we have? I know in our human emotion it’s easier said than done. It’s faith in believing in the unknown. We look at the circumstances that surround us if we keep walking through this fire not expecting to see the light at the end of the fire we become numb and dead inside. Take time for yourself go to the spa go fishing… do something you enjoy regain strength but don’t quit. Our anger carries on inside us and we feed off of it. We give up because the pain is too much to deal with. I have recently read of a parent killing them self due to this pain. I was reminded by a love one a valid point say you’re at this point where you feel you can’t go on you want to end it. What if that’s the day or week your child calls and they find out your gone forever. The child will live with this guilt for the rest of their life. Stay focused on the victory the bittersweet embrace of your child saying I love you!!  We are here to support you I’m always available to talk or just listen.  Do whatever you have to do in a positive way until your children find their way back….. To all the broken parents hold on to the thought that your time will come…….. 

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