Archive for the “Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation” Category

Fear

I haven’t  been here in a while and I’m sorry for that I have to be more regular.

I have alot running through my mind lately. How did I feel inside when I thought about my mom?  Well during the alienation I was angry hurt and lost but I had a fear as well. Like I have read and in Amy Bakers book “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Breaking the ties that bind” it was explained as a cult like pattern. The brainwashing that corrupts the mind of a child.  I never wanted to hurt the AP so there was also a fear that if I talked to mom I would lose my dad. So there was a fear. I already knew the AP loved me so I thought.

The fear is enough to cripple a child. TPs fear the child/children won’t return, the child’s fear is that they will lose the AP forever.

When I got in the car to take the unannounced trip to my moms to unite, I was scared straight, I had to pull the car over quite a few times to up chuck or decide if I was doing the right thing. My heart went bonkers, I had a headache I felt weak and childlike at the same time. My poor kids didn’t know what was going on I thought I can’t be doing this but I would put the car back on the road and drive. That half hour ride felt like 2 days. My mind raced and I wondered would she reject me now. I had to allow my pride to go down the toilet. The fear drove me insane  but after our wow of a visit it wasn’t so bad.

We all have a fear I think it gives us strength but can hinder us as well. My fear almost made me turn around. If you are a child/adult that is reading this don’t let your fear stop you go knock on the door, pick up the phone say HI. If your reading this then you think you might be going through this. I want to say your parent loves you but so does the other half of who you are. They long to see you they are broken inside and find it hard to cope without you. Every holiday and birthday that goes by is a nightmare in reality for them.  I know the pain and confusion you feel, the pain. To get to the point you just want it all to stop to be where you were before. Sometimes when I woke up I would pretend it was a dream. HMMM Didn’t work.  Stay strong and talk to someone you need to vent, You can always leave me a comment and I can answer you or chat whatever I’m here which means your not alone in this!!

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June 4, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

Do I or Don’t I?

Do I or Don’t I

The famous question from parents, “Do I tell that about Parental Alienation so they can understand whats happening to them”?

Well hears my answer in a nutshell, …. Think of it this way, children don’t understand things the way an adult does. I can remember times my mom was hard on me for really out-lashing and at the time I was angry and believed my alienator was right about her. Now as an adult with children I see why she did some of the things. To help me become a better adult and person that can handle responsibility.

A child’s mind is not mature enough to handle such things. Every situation is different. Keep in mind when pondering the thought of “sharing this info”  that you take a great risk on having it come back to haunt you. When a child is one with the AP they think and feel like them. Exposing the alienation can only make the bond closer with the AP. For example… you talk or give a brochure and somehow the child/children bring it up to the alienator they have what seems to be a talk and the AP says “Didn’t I tell you she/he would corrupt you from me…..She/He wants you to leave me and go to live with them…. Its the drugs talking….or if the AP really feels frightened they might go as far as finding all the crap on the internet that states PAS/PA is a ploy by Gardner and so on.  Then where will you be.

Now the child is more confused and already believes the lies being told to them so it gets turned back on you and their bond is stronger. Its a disturbing feeling when you can’t defend yourself or your child is in the dark all of a sudden about the real you they used to remember. My advise hold off and play it by ear. If they come and ask you about it be cautious. Don’t talk bad about the other parent as much as you want to shake your kid and say hey remember me. Show them what  a real parent is and the love that you have for them. The time will be right someday. If the child is now an adult just wait they will ask in their due time then be honest without bashing.

If you get the response why didn’t you tell me before this. Be honest and share that you didn’t want to hurt them anymore than they already were. You know whats best for them even when they think they do. You can’t stop brainwashing in one day and if you told them it might have emotionally disturbed you even more.

Plus keep in mind that children/adults need to make up their own mind when they are ready to accept what has really happened then they want to know and are more welcoming to hear the solutions of cause and effect. They might not like what you have to say anger,shock,confusion, or just the light-bulb over the head can be the results. But in time they come to some kind of terms to be able to talk about it.

I’m not a DR or lawyer just from my own experience and thought on the matter its just what I would do and how I would handle the situation.

Recently a new forum page was made by Children need both parents (Ron Smith). It’s awesome and full of hurting parents. You have your own profile and can find a great deal of support from others. There are groups and upcoming events etc…. Your not alone…. You can find myself and Lary Holland also at this site. I think its great they have blogs, messaging, discussion forums, videos, and much more. I hope you will join us there the site is……

http://cnbpinc.ning.com/

So join today and talk to others just like you….. United we stand….Divided we fall

Much love to you all

Chrissy

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May 2, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

The Paralyzing Pain of Parental Alienation

The pain the past couple of weeks has been too real for words. I had to take a break but I’m back. Even at 33 I’m still coming to terms with the mental issues of PAS coming back to haunt me. I’ve remembered a lot these past couple of weeks that I have held in a compartment in my mind that had a post it that says remember me know.It’s funny how an AP can change a child and parents life forever. I have had to calm myself before I could write again. In my writing I bring healing to myself and I hope to help you all. But please bear with me on this one.

In the month of March I started to remember a lot of new memories. Just when I thought I was very much past the hurt and lies I was awaken to new things to overcome but along the way came up with some sound answers. I’ve have not been much use to others lately in doing all this. I think a lot of kids or adults suffering in PA get depressed a lot and always battle with the situations around them. You can only pretend to smile so many times before it becomes a routine of hiding the pain inside.

So here we go…..

The memories are of my childhood and the beginning of PAS and other abuses. I can’t remind people enough that PA can also start when families are intact. One memory that plays itself over in my dreams is when I was young. We went to the apartment pool every summer (in which I looked forward to) I was getting better at swimming but not quit there for the deep end. I asked my dad if I could jump off the diving board he said yes. Being a child I was so excited to show him I could do it. I proceeded to go through the steps of doing my first dive in to the water. I waved hi as he watched from his chair at the shallow end. I jumped and at first did well. I started to get tired and struggled with coming up to get air. I started to stay under I was drowning. My dad finally jumped in the pool lifted me up for a second to get air. Then without missing a beat pulled my foot under and kept this cycle up for a time. When I would fight to go up he would pull me under. My dad was trying to drown me. At last he pulled me up I was scared and quite dazed and confused. The life guard came over to see the problem make sure I was ok. Later when I said to my dad “why did you pull me under” he was angry and replied “I didn’t you fought so hard I couldn’t get a grip on you”. This man was in the military he was trained for this and even to kill.

What could a little girl do to so wrong to receive such treatment to be punished in such a manner. The funny thing is when I told my mom my memories she told me of a story…. My dad had said when I was young that I tried to drown my little brother in the pool in the back yard. When he told my mom about this he said “I took care of it I punished her no need to for you to get involved blah blah blah. This is funny because he would lie every chance he got to get me in trouble. He lived to punish me. This story was a lie never the less my mom believed it. So for years she thought I was a monster. When actually he tried to drown me.

Then there is the movie The Bad Seed. I didn’t know until now there was such a movie. I knew he would call me that to my mom. He had my mom sit there and watch this movie to get her to think I was this deranged little girl. I would kill them in their sleep. I had no conscience he would say. I watched this movie a couple of weeks ago to my distress I must add. I was hungry to see how he portrayed me out to be. There is a scene in which the little girl goes along the fence with her flash light to make that hitting the fence sound when you walk by. He told me of a childhood memory of his to take a stick and do this. He made it sound like he liked it and I was pleased to make him happy. His motive to get me to do this to remind my mom of how much I was like this child in the movie. I felt cold when I saw the mom try and kill the child and then herself. The child lived at the time but the father comes home from the military to be with his family. The mom survives the gun shot to her head. But not once did the father ask the mother why she would do this to their daughter. It was like it was ok. It took chills and put them down my spine. Was this some kind of message to my mom?

Then there was the time I actually said I’d rather die than live here. He handed me a kitchen knife and told me go ahead only weak people say they will do it and don’t. I live in fear of him killing me in the middle of the night. I stayed up until I couldn’t any more. Everything he did to me he lied and made up a story that what I did. This is just a small portion of the memories that flood me. There is so much more to this flood.

So why? The answer came to me while talking to my mom one day. When I was 3 or 4 he enticed my mom to take out pictures of my real dad and remince on old times with him. She did and said during this that if he didn’t drink etc she would still be with him. He proceeded to take all the pictures and tear them up in front of her. He had a fear and I linked him to it. I was the link that someday she would return to him. In his mind I would want my dad and reunite with him which would make them reunite. How sick!!  So I was to be punished wiped out. He would turn us against each other from the start make her fear me. He would make me angry with her turn us against the bond of mother and daughter. But to be people that where related that just lived under the same roof.

I would clinch my fists and stand there when he yelled at me. He pointed this out to my mom see the anger in her. She will kill us. I couldn’t speak and my life was horrible. Try getting in trouble for things you didn’t do and live in horror. He was and still is sick.

But this how alienation works. When my mom left after years my mom was the target not me anymore. So now I shown the love I strived for. I hear parents (TPs) say how can this child believe the things that are said. They know better. You fill up with anger etc… You don’t understand….

Let me say this when the time came for my mom to leave I was much in a robot stage that I stayed and then he was nice as pie. I felt I needed him and I thought he needed me as well. I was so in tune and one with the emotions he felt. I no longer felt confused I had taken my place as his daughter. I was the tool to punish my mother and make her life somehow incomplete without her children. I lost my identity at least the half where my mom was concerned. I forgot who she really was and only saw her as this monster. If he my dad could treat her in such an ill way she must really be this type of person. He could be so cold and yet say he loved her. It becomes normal behavior to a point. To know I love her but I can also treat her as vile because I was encouraged to do this and I was mirroring his actions.

If my mom intended to defend herself I shoved it back at her. She never acted in an “ill” fashion to him. She never voiced the real man inside the beast to me. I think if she did it would have been worse. I would have run home to him and would have really believed what he was saying. Because it comes back to the AP saying I told you so…. I told you she would turn you against me….I told you she would do everything she could to hurt me etc… I’d die without you children in my life… or the famous if she sees you she’s going to take you away from me forever…

I don’t know why I clung to my dad and defended him I thought he would protect me. Its funny how a childs minds works. The things he did in my past were like erased as well as mom. I put things in my mind in compartments I guess with post it notes forget abuse, forget mom, do love dad, do hate mom etc. We are so young and still forming our minds so gullible to trust and do things. When I hear parents say they know I didn’t do that or act that way I feel for these parents but in a childs way I’d like to wake you all up and say we forget. It’s like a computer sometimes a virus takes over the computer and it crashes and the only way to get it to work is to dump the memory and reboot. Then place the basic programs back in to and start over. This is the job of the AP. A programmer can get it all back but it’s tucked away in a place where most people including the computer can’t trace until someone tells it to. I don’t mean for everyone to go run and tell their kids. But it’s a general concept to the way kids think. It’s there but we can’t find it. Our memory is in a pattern of being instructed to do so. In time at some point there is a trigger that says Hey wait a minute I need to reboot again. Then a confused mind starts to want answers to put the puzzle together again.

I’m sorry this one is so long but I had to get it out. Hope this helps and I continue to pray for every family going through this…. Till I write again

Chrissy

 

 

 

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March 12, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

Recollection of Innocence

You know I want to give everyone hope for their relationships with parents and children. My mom and I have come so far.

Yesterday we spent the day together. We have a mommy daughter day to catch up. We did our normal routine but something was different. We went back to her house she took the dog out and from afar watching her out the door standing there. She was so beautiful to me. I saw her in a different way.  She was radiant, she stood there and I only saw her not the surroundings. Her smile was so innocent like a child.  I had a feeling for her that I never had. It’s so hard to explain it was just there. I felt for her. She was so trusting and full of love for us kids. The thought she doesn’t deserve this. She is a mother, it’s just not a title it’s the love of a mother to a child. As she stood there not even knowing I was watching her, my love for her grew I didn’t even know it could. All different emotions flooded my heart and mind. Anger mixed with love and compassion. My mother is delicate she is loving in a way a mother should be. She listens and hangs on my every word. She is my best friend and my mom. She is tender with emotions that sit in her heart. She is my solid rock and yet inside I know she is incomplete. My mom is the first one to help someone else. How can someone keep a parent from a child? The anger I felt was to defend her. We had talked about the past which we often do. I was very tired so I was my old opinionated self. My x stepfather kept me silent for so long. Now I’m ready to fight. There is a fear in some family but you know what I’m not afraid anymore. I finally know what I would do if I saw him today. Give him a piece of my mind. That innocent smile I saw from her yesterday was so pure. She is a woman with strong values and compassionate words. She was trusting not naive she believed the words she was told. There was nothing wrong that she trusted but in this world to trust has consequences. She has lost her kids; her heart extends miles away to a place she doesn’t know. Her innocence was damaged by a man whose revenge was to kill her emotionally. She was a target for her love, kindness, and trust. I know I always talk about me but this hit me so much yesterday. Just that quick 4 minutes will be a memory that will sit with me forever. Her pain is not fair. I’m so angry because of him. I wish my brothers saw what I saw. She was like an angel standing there.

He would do so many things to her. She was like a possession not a wife. You don’t treat family like this. Who she is, is not a flaw. I can’t blame her because she is what every person should be. To have your world yanked out from under you is like hitting a brick wall at 500 miles an hr. You feel like you can’t get up. You slide down slow and hard. With time you get back up but with wounds. To me every year she loses is like pouring salt in the wounds. All her life her trusting ways have caused her some grief. But yet she still has that child like faith. We are the same in many ways and so different to. Where she is quiet and  gentle, I’m loud and hard. She is so trusting and I’m not. But yet we are so alike in many ways. The angelic figure that stood there with just a smile showed me who to be and how to be a better person. I will always fight for my mom’s good name that became tainted because of a tormented man who has such of a black pit in his heart. Sometimes I wonder if he is human. The beatings I took and the emotional abuse and everything else I would do again if it healed my momma’s heart and gave her my brothers. I no longer fear the trap of this man if he were to kill me today as I often thought he would I wouldn’t just sit there like I have in the past but I also wouldn’t fear him either. It’s a wonderful feeling I’m not afraid anymore. I’m free from his grip of mind control and abuse. I hope to see someday his face.

But my mom is a true vessel of motherhood. When she hugs me I feel her love. When she just looks at me with her eyes I see the center of her soul that takes me to a place of comfort and refuge. I believe her when she says “I love you” God gave me a blessing that for almost all my life I didn’t realize was there. I’m thankful for that I have opened my eyes and heart to know and understand her who she is and not who I was trained to believe she was. I’m proud of her and I’m sorry for all the things I ever did to make her life uncomfortable.

Momma I love you!!!

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February 27, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

Fighter

 

            I felt compelled to post this. I’m a very big music person. I have a tendency to lose myself into word of certain songs. They reach the inner part of my soul and cling to me to give me strength and a voice. Since this song came out I have done this. This is my life song I play it almost every day to remind me of what I’ve gone through and to keep me on track. I will put the lyrics up and hope you will get some inspiration to fight for your families. It is a perfect song for parental alienation and works for both parents and child survivors

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY ALIENATOR

 Fighter

 

 

 

 

 

After all you put me through
You’d think I’d despise you
But in the end I want to thank you
Because you made me that much stronger

When I, thought I knew you
Thinking, that you were true
I guess I, I couldn’t trust
Called your bluff, time is up
‘Cause I’ve had enough
You were, there by my side
Always, down for the ride
But your, joy ride just came down in flames
‘Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmhmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that I hold resentment for you
But, uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do
I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohhhh, ohh-yeah ah uhhhuh

Never, saw it coming
All of, your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in
On a good thing before I realized your game
I heard, you’re going around
Playing the victim now
But don’t, even begin
Feeling I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Yes you wanted to harm me but that won’t work anymore
Uh, no more, oh no, it’s over
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
YOU-WON’T-STOP-ME

I am a fighter and I
I ain’t gonna stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget,
Though I, I remember,
I remember,
I remember

‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

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February 26, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

The Bad Seed

 

“The Bad Seed”

I’ve been talking to a close friend who has had an impact on my life who has given me inspiration to tell my story further and in more detail. I do this with my mother’s blessing also. I want to make clear that even while I’m writing this that my mother is not the bad parent here. She was a woman trapped more than I was. I don’t want to put fear in parents either but to tell a story of a broken little girl that’s finally healing and understanding the abuse that was done to her. I encourage you to read my other blogs first if you haven’t already. 

When my mommy met my x step father he seemed to be perfect. I have recently through books and input from others that my alienation started when they met.  This man was a man who was controlling and had to have power in all areas.  He was actually trying to alienate my relationship with my mom from the beginning.  He seemed to be jealous of my mother’s love for me.  I never realized that a child could be alienated from a parent while the family is intact.

He would tell my mother at my young age of 3 that I had done things wrong or misbehaved in some way. I do remember being punished a lot. I felt like I was walking on egg shells most of my life.  I’m going to share some things that I still am a little hesitating on but I need to express them and work on healing.

I remember my step father taking me to a dark place in my life that has tortured me even in my life now. He would give me baths when mom wasn’t home. During these baths there would be sexual abuse that took place. His tactics where part of a plan that I don’t even know if he knew about yet. He was not a pedophile he was an alienator. In doing this he would gain power over me and put that barrier up between my mother and me. I never told anyone because of fear and some statement that where made from him to me. There was always some conflict he wedged between me and my mom. He wanted all of her and none of me. He set out for her to be only interested in him.

He managed to take my mom from her family so that all she had was him. We did not live in a normal home. We had beautiful furniture etc, but it was the darkest, scariest place to live. It was haunted not with ghost but with the people dwelling in it. It left me  emotionally destroyed.

Growing up we lived by certain standards. He controlled everything.  He had certain ways of doing things and we followed his orders. For instance, I cleaned the bathroom every Saturday, which is normal for kids to have chores but I did it from top to bottom. I would fear  being done because it was like a military inspection. I was sure to get a beating if it wasn’t done right.  In fact the only way to describe it was I was in the military. We couldn’t get up from the dinner table until he cleaned the floor. I wasn’t allowed to go in the refrigerator to get food or drinks, even at 15 yrs old. We couldn’t have mayo with tuna. No butter etc stupid things to you but so controlling to me. He never held a job. My mom always worked. So it was hard to escape from him when he was always there. I felt lost and alone. I never could please him and I really feel he hated me. He would always tell me how stupid I was and how I’d never amount to anything in life. I held on to these words and actions. I was his little soldier except after training is over you realize the drill Sgt. Did it to help you. Not him he did it all to break me. I never understood his actions. What I do know is he very smart, genius IQ smart. He would read psychiatry books. How clever to understand how other peoples’ minds work.

He would always claim to my mom how I misbehaved and after a hard day’s work she would be forced to enforce a punishment or spanking. It got to the point where every day became a punishment for me. I would hide in my room with books to keep a low profile and immerse my mind from my own reality. He was making my mom just get sick and tired of me. She never knew the life I led as a child at the time. She was living it as an adult. I hated her for not helping and protecting me. I often thought why she can’t see through him. But this man is not like one I’ve ever seen or heard about. He made it so that there was plenty of emotional detachment between mommy and me.

My brothers where around and they did everything perfect. Even if it wasn’t so.  We had to take our shoes off when we first came in the door. It had to be neat and straight in a row if my shoes were out of whack even a little. Oh I was in trouble. My brothers could do the same thing and it was ok. I didn’t understand I felt like I was walking in my body but no one saw me as being there. I felt like the dog and not a daughter. It’s like knowing I wasn’t wanted at all times. I would occasionally hear them argue about me and if my mom even looked like shed defend me she was the one getting abused. He called me the Bad Seed. He would tell my mom “What is she your little princess” and I would here no. I wished I was Sleeping Beauty I could have gone to sleep and waited for somebody to kiss me and wake me up. There are sayings he used to say that if I hear them now I feel the anger rise up within me. But yet I loved him. Any sign of love I ran to it and embraced it.

I am embarrassed to say some of these things but I can’t even explain in words this life. This sick man with goals to destroy a mother and daughter. The way he made us live. To the outside world it was fine but within this man sits the dark demons that haunt my memories. I remember sometimes thinking does he have mental issues. One time he said he called for me and I didn’t come. I was right there he never called my name. But he carried on and yelled at which time I said you didn’t call my name. That was a mistake. I never really spoke up to him again.

Here’s a story to show the length he would go to alienate. One day for school I got ready and something happened he was angry. Mommy was at work and he told me they never wanted me and if I didn’t come home from school it would make them happy. I believe I was in 6th grade. So I didn’t go home after school. I went to a friend’s house but I couldn’t spend the night so I wandered around her neighborhood and went and tried to sleep in a bush. About 3 am the cops found me and I had to go home. He picked me up by himself and while walking out of the police station said “I wish next time you would do it right and not come back” There was some other hurtful comments to. But that stuck with me forever. But here’s where I feel crazy I said in front of my mom you wanted me to leave and he denied the whole thing. In fact the next morning he had both my brothers on one side of him asking them did I say that yesterday. Their answer was no. They weren’t even up. I felt crazy and like I was losing my mind. I started to question myself because it happened this way a lot.

But I could tell even more and someday I will. They split and I was his number one fan. I loved the attention. He was a monster and I admired him. My thoughts of my mom where tainted. I hold on to guilt that I just told my mom today. I was coached and lied to about my mom. I coached my brothers not to go with my mom. To stay with dad. I said its safer and better. Mommy isn’t who you think she is.

I was told she worked because she couldn’t stand to be with us. He was neglected the right to get a job to make her happy. She never wanted to be a mom. She was a prostitute, a drug addict, and adulterous. I feel guilty because I think maybe things would be different today. But what you don’t know is he’d kill us if he lost those boys. He’d kill them. He would taunt my mom with I won I have them you don’t.  I’m trying to get you to understand all the factors in this and expose the alienator characteristics.

I have been reading A my Bakers book PA children  Breaking the tie that binds. And I’m seeing revelation into me and seeing that he fits into all categories the 3 types of alienators. I’ ve not  heard of this kind of alienator before and I’m interested in hearing if you are involved with a case like this. I will write more soon but I can’t dwell on it all the time. I just want to let people know they aren’t alone and get a sense of healing for myself. I would like to thank Lary Holland, God, my daughter, and most importantly my mom for being there now. For allowing and encouraging me to speak out and heal. I’ve told her things this week I never had the courage to before. She has been the best mother now and I wouldn’t trade my relationship with her for anything. I used to dream of having this relationship with her when I was very little and I never thought it would be possible. She is my rock.

Love you all,

Chrissy

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February 25, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

The After Effects of Parental Alienation

The after effects that pas has on me

PAS has left me a different person than I dreamed to be. I’ve lived in a stressful state for 32 years. I had for many years felt and sometimes still do feel as if I was such a horrible person that my own parents couldn’t love me. That is a feeling that is hard to cope and deal with a child that doesn’t feel loved.

I have strong battles of depression that I do fight against every day. Sometimes to get up out of bed is hard. I do but only for my children. They shouldn’t be punished for my past. The feelings of what if this was different I mean everyone has them but being a child who felt the way I did I think what if our family was happy together would my life be different. I can’t blame anyone for my life but me now because I’m in control of it but would I function differently.

My social behavior is distant. I’m learning and dealing every day. When I meet someone where I find much in common after a bond is made I have a tendency to hold on I never want to hurt them I give my all because I’m afraid of losing them. My step father made me feel as if my mom abandoned us and then he abandoned me. I’m always afraid I’ll lose what is good because of my behaviors.

Low self esteem. Even though for a short time I was his everything I felt as if I was not good enough I was often told I was like my mother but then he was often saying the most hideous things about her. So I felt as if I was this terrible person never to measure up to his or anyone’s standards in this world. I would never become anything great in this world. I would wonder around this earth for no good purpose but to take up unwanted space. I also still struggle or second guess myself on this.

Insecurity I was always feeling unsafe prior to the pa but after I felt abandoned I felt the harsh reality never to trust anyone feeling safe was for kids that parents loved them. I felt I was not one of them.

Worry I always worry still now. My stomach gets sick and I feel so tense in my stomach there is no feeling of relaxing. I worried who would love me. Did I make him happy? Did I do it right. Etc. So many questions go through a child’s mind to please your parents especially in a stressful environment as Pas.

These are a few feelings I’m overcoming them. If you are the alienated parent please don’t give up. Your children need the time to stumble onto the idea that maybe the alienator is not the victim. There is a mix of emotions that follow such hard times. It’s still hard for you to imagine why they “hate” you but it made them feel better to just go on that way. It pleased the other parent. Even today I sit back and think about the events in my life. I was small child like yearning to feel whole not yielding to my mothers cries but to a man that I yearned to please.

I lost my heart in a wounded battle between a marriage that couldn’t be put back together. I blamed myself for many years being pulled like a rag doll was not my idea of childhood. You love your child and every case is different a lot of children feel the way I do/did but we all handle it differently but most of the time later more than sooner they fall across the motion that they can think for themselves and not have the same motion of thought the alienator has. A child is naive an older child or young adult toys with the ideas about how absurd a story starts to sound. A young child might believe pigs really do fly if told enough but later on because of knowledgeable resources they know it’s not true it couldn’t be true. Hang on to these thoughts but keep in mind their emotions are unstable sometimes for me even writing these blogs bring an overwhelming flush of emotions for me. But it’s for the better to help you to understand your child. You guys are always on my mind lately and I pray for you daily. I plan to be the silent voice for the children that can’t speak their mind due to fear of the other parent. They don’t want to hurt anybody but in the process they are hurt.  Don’t give up!!

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February 24, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

Parental Alienation Hurts

I’m glad people have found my blog helpful with the events in their situation of PAS. I have had an overwhelming response and many questions about a child’s point of view. Keep in mind I’m not a Dr and your case many not be the same as ours I have heard my mom’s case is considered “severe” and not all results are the same. But I would like to finish some of the story which will address a lot of the new questions. I’m still happy to hear all stories and address all concerns. From what I’ve heard from my mom there’s only a few children involved with/or is surving from kids speak out. Please read on with an open mind I hope this is as useful. If you have not read my first blog please do so.

How did I get here? After my x step father kicked me to the curb. I was still angry with mom so I was not going to go back with her I lived with my friends. I still lived in this confused state with new hurtles to jump. I had freedom to what ever I wanted. I had pain that a 15 yr old dosent know how to deal with. I partied a lot. Some kids use their pain for the good absorbing them self into school sports etc… But unfortunately some like me use drugs, alcohol, cutting even thoughts of death. I became out of control. I thought I was in control. My mind racing with thoughts about now the home I knew gone, parents gone, love gone. I felt used and was following the steps of using others to get what I needed. Kids need an outlet and with Pas no one understands (we think) I didn’t know it was another form of abuse other families even courts don’t always understand or believe in PAS.

When I ran out of options and my father wouldn’t let me back I had no choice but to go with my mom. I put the smile on and said things she wanted to hear. But still hating her I was determined to make her life as difficult as possible. I was seeing a new part of my mom that I never saw. It made me angrier even though for many years I wish she would of left. I was also holding an anger issue because I felt she left when she had enough not when I was getting the abuse too. So I held on to that. I saw my mom as moving on with her life (she was still trying to get my brothers) When she did try and talk my ears where closed to it. I had freedom no one was taking it from me. I was so screwed up in the head I never had someone to talk to outside of the box about it. She would tell me to do something I did the opposite. She said it was white I said it was black. At that time I heard so much stuff about her I strived to be the complete opposite of her. I was embarrassed she was my mom. Who hears their mom is a prostitute it’s a sick ploy but that one comment really screwed me up. I was ashamed of her. One day I said this to her she almost fell over and said how much of a lie it was. I didn’t know what to say or do but I laughed about it and said I knew it was a lie but deep down I didn’t know once again confused. Who do you believe WHO?? I kept feeling abnormally crazy.

At times we played the part of mother and daughter but I had a volcano abruption in me. I never thought of my mom’s feelings as I should of or the torment she went through. I found something negative in everything she said and did. It had to fit in the criteria or image I had of her. The underlining issue is anger. kids can’t vent I know right now you’re saying oh they can talk to me don’t take this the wrong way but it’s not like a boo boo on the knee you can’t kiss it and make it better. Their anger is focused on you they only vent the anger at you they have to agree so much with the other parent to stay in their good graces they can’t open up to you. It either works in 2 ways 1. They do hold on to that connection with you and play the part of hating you with the other parent 2. They feel like they do hate you the part that’s played here is if you talk to the victim parent there will be a consequence or punishment. Plus the old fashioned guilt trip Look at what they did to me why do you want to be a part of that? Etc… You get the picture here. Some kids aren’t even aware you’re looking for them or sending them stuff.

To get back on track here my mom and I struggled it was not easy at all. And it’s not the parents fault. The kids have to change here. But the hidden secret here is they think you have to change. Are you confused yet it’s hard to understand this because normally you had no control and had them ripped from you. I was supposed to have this mother daughter connection everyone hears about. I had nothing I longed for it. It was there for me to just reach out and grab but I couldn’t see it because I was blinded by false accusations. I frustrated her I know I did. We actually even had physical altercations. My anger had taken control of my life.

When I started to become unveiled from the chain that binded me I had more and more anger that I didn’t understand. So I took it out on her. I became pregnant and married. I thought she hadn’t been there even when she was. This abuse takes time and the only way to get out from under it is LOVE. Time is a virtue in this matter. It’s your prison but their need. I was selfish and not there for her but at the time I thought she deserved it and had it coming to her. I started being like the aggressive parent it was about me. In severe cases I believe this is what happens. Promise your kids love but don’t offer them a whole lot of material things because in some cases they wonder if you like the other parent are trying to get them with things they want. They’re not stupid they will take it with great happiness and you feel like you conquered that step but the thought will pop in their head.

I know some of you don’t like to hear some of this but I’m just being honest from my heart in my situation. After years and the web coming unglued I started to see the light becoming unprogramed is like breaking a bad habit. It doesn’t happen overnight 15 yrs later after a long break with mom I started to rehash things in my mind. Being a mom now understanding a parent’s point of view I started to think about little things my mom had told me along the way. Like no matter what you do I love you. It always came down to the I love yous. I responded more to that and her actions then I did with anything else. Actions speak louder than words sometimes in these situations. Sending that card keep a record of it if they don’t get it later on they will not you tried. Don’t give up.

I saw him right after I was kicked out and I the same crap went on. I told him I wished he was at my wedding etc… He had stupid answers but always wanting to know about my mom. poor him the victim. Yes I have been asked how I feel about him now. I have a hatred for him for what he has done to me and my mother. He is not the victim he believes he is. But he took a lot from me. My childhood. I actually feel sorry for him that he has to go through life with such revenge. If I saw him today I don’t know what I’d say or do. But I can’t believe I fell for his tricks. He had anger rush over me like a tidal wave that for years would pull me back like the ocean waters. For this I say no more. I think it’s a shame to torment a child that way for your own benefits. They seem not to know how to live any other way. But for the children you’re not alone you can overcome but like addiction you have to want to see the entire picture. Kids listen to everything you say and do think about what you say and do before it’s done.

Now my mom and I are together united. After years of rocky situations we have come together to have the relationship we both have dreamed of. I talk to her a number of times a week and finally after all this time feel like I can say anything about my feelings from the past present and future without worrying about what she’ll say or think about it. We both can understand each other. When she talks I believe her. I don’t question if she loves me. We visit each other all the time and when I need her she’s there. As I am for her too. There is hope out there. It’s just the way you go about. Don’t push just love. Anymore question let me know. The more questions I get the more I think and write so keep me coming.

All your families are in my prayers. Your kids LOVE you it just takes time for them to come together with knowing it. Take one day at a time and one miracle at a time. Someday our PAS families will come together with united stories. As always please pray for my brothers who are still trapped in this manipulation and have not been seen in 17 years. Please pray for my mom since she still has this void in her life.

And mom I wouldn’t change anything because I learned from it. But I would change how I made you feel when you were already in desperation to reach out to us kids. I love you!! To daddy (my father now who deserves to be called daddy He’s been there since the other relationship ended) thanks for being a support system for mommy and I and even though I didn’t come from you God put us together to have a bond as father and daughter. The greatest gift you gave me was unconditional love. When mommy married you it was the greatest thing in the world. Thank you for putting up with us and all our dysfunctions . She finally found her true knight!!!!!

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February 23, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More

A Child’s Point of View: Chrissy Chrzanowski

A CHILDS POINT OF VIEW OF PAS My name is Chrissy. I’m the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website. But this chapter is on PAS and how it affected me.

When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fulfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shattered shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I were very much abused by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. I would get flush my ankles would itch the butterflies in my stomach would be overwhelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this. They eventually had my 2 wonderful brothers.

After years of abuse I often wondered why she put up with it. I saw and heard a lot of things. I was also old enough to remember a lot of it. To my brothers I was the best big sister. When they were scared I reassured them. When they were happy I smiled. I took a lot of heat to keep that promise of a sister to them. They where the happiest part of my childhood. My mom after many years finally got the guts to leave. He tricked her and said she would get us and he would leave. But it was all a lie. I can’t stress enough my mom never LEFT us. But we where led to believe this.

I would watch this strong man fall to the ground in tears so I could hold him to tell him everything would be ok. I started getting angry with my mom. Little by little I heard when I was little my mom was a prostitute, she cheated on him, she left all of us, if she gets you I ll never see you again. I’ll kill myself was his all time favorite. I could go on and on about all the things I heard about my mom. I all of a sudden started to feel loved. I was the daughter he needed me to be. I was the new caretaker in the family. He needed me. I started to hate my mother. I never noticed I was being BRAINWASHED. Why is she hurting daddy? were my thoughts. I was lost, confused, torn. I felt wanted and unwanted all the same time. I was becoming his therapist being told things a daughter shouldn’t probably hear. My mind was racing with thoughts. Keep in mind I was old enough to remember all the things that happened before the split. Even with all this memory I choose him. He would set me up to get info on my mom when we visited her steal notes listen to phone conversations anything that he could get on her. Even when he said they should talk she would come over and he would without her knowledge tape the conversations. This situation was not normal. He wasn’t normal. But I saw it all and still I choose him. The game parents play with the what did mom/dad say about me is emotionally crippling to a child. We feel torn in your web of manipulation. Stop!! As a parent it’s your job to care for us. We trust you because you are the parent. It’s a PRIVLAGE. I got to a point that I felt like I was going crazy but I hated my mom his plan was working and in full force. We where emotionally kidnapped from her. That’s what PAS is. The only way for me to describe it is we are pieces on a chess board the parent keeps moving us pawns but we will never hear the words “checkmate” because we don’t know we are playing this game. He is mad that my mom wasn’t coming back so we where the revenge. Most parents love their children so what’s the perfect punishment for these us the children to be with held. Epically when they made the mistakes in the marriage to begin with.

I became one with his mind, his emotions until I finally thought what he thought. I felt what he felt I hated like he hated. I think this is confusing to other parent but we are now robots there is so much involved with this. It’s a skill I tell ya. I eventually all of a sudden was getting material things that I never got before I was allowed to go places and do things I was never allowed to do before. This is all part of the plot. To a child getting all these things is great. But it serves a couple of purposes 1. I can do these things
that the other parent can’t. 2. Your mom always didn’t want you to have it
3. To keep you off track of what’s going. This does happen don’t be fooled more often than you think. I fell into this. It all part of mind control.

This is ultimate betrayal to the child and we are so warped in the mind we don’t know it. It carries into adult hood it lingers like a dark cloud. It crushes the internal spirit of childhood with hate and enraged anger toward the victim parent. It’s a punishment we don’t deserve but we live. He made me believe he was the victim. He was wounded. It’s all about him. He transformed my life there is much more to this story. As an adult I carry this weight. I eventually was thrown to the curb by him when I guess I was no longer needed. But for many years until recently his words come to mind and I think… was he right knowing full well that my mother is none of the beastly things he had me believe. I became an angry person with walls so built up around id never let anyone in. I would not be vulnerable to be hurt. My moms and I relationship has been rocky and has needed a lot of work but now she’s my best friend, supporter, hero, and most important loving mother. I carried a burden of a broken marriage of hatred to another person it has formed me to be who I am today finally letting go some of the pieces trying to figure out who I am without hurt.
If you are able to make contact with your child take it slow don’t rush even when your heart says now. They have walls they were trained that way. They have anger they were trained that way. They were in hatred boot camp for many years. If you push too hard they will get defensive and you’ll start from scratch if ever. They as much as they say NO they want you they want to know they are loved it sounds sick but it’s in there somewhere. But DONT PUSH. They are controlled by a force that’s webbed around them they just don’t know it. They are hurt crushed lost and traumatized. They might say awful things to you I did to my mom. Things that will break your heart and they know it will buts the anger the brainwashing the robot inside of them. I asked myself even when my relationship seemed well was he right. The mental thoughts are scars but scars heal. It takes time. There is hope it might takes days months even years but what comes around goes around. I have loosened my grip on the hold this man has on my life. At times I still feel abused by him especially since I don’t have my brothers. I love my mother and I’m grateful to have the relationship I have with her. She has a heart of gold and never deserved any of this all she did was say enough and for this she’s payed the highest cost. The thing she cherishes the most was taken from her motherhood. My brothers are still locked into this betrayal I haven’t seen them in 17 years. I miss them and love them. My mother has not seen them either. I once was the alienator now I’m the alienate. It hurts. I did nothing wrong neither did my mother… It’s also not your child’s fault they are the true victims of all of this. Please pray that my brothers will find their way home to the place where they are missed and loved…..

Remember PAS is child abuse. You have read just a glimpse of my heart if you have any? S let me know. This includes parents that want to know about a child point of you. A person that has been the victim, child or adult that needs to talk you’re not alone I feel your pain. Everyone. If you are reading this and you are the person causing PAS to a family please read and reread it’s never too late to turn things around because later you might be the one standing alone. It’s hurting the kids more than the victim parent.

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February 22, 2008 Posted Under: Child Survivor Reflections of Parental Alienation   Read More
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